I Know What You Do In The Dungeons
by miss-buttercup
Summary: Severus has killed a student, but all is not what it seems. Can he prove his innocence without revealing a secret that would destroy both him and Hermione Granger? .:COMPLETE:.
1. Prologue

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Everything you recognize belongs to JKRowling. Everything you don't recognize belongs to me. I'm not making any money from this. ~sob~

I Know What You Do in the Dungeons

Prologue

He'd killed a student.

Severus Snape sat in Albus Dumbledore's office with his head in his hands, and tried to figure out how it happened. It was just a _Petrificus Totalus; _she shouldn't be dead. She should be in a carriage to Hogsmeade, on her way home after being expelled. -- It shouldn't have killed her.

"Severus," Dumbledore said seriously, "is there anything else I need to know?"

"I don't know what else there is to say," came his anguished reply. "I saw her attacking Miss Granger in the second floor corridor while I was on rounds. I cast an _Expelliarmus _and disarmed them both. I cast the _Petrificus Totalus _when Miss Tilly drew a knife on Miss Granger. I removed Miss Granger to a safe distance, and when I released Miss Tilly she fell down dead. -- I have no explanation, Albus."

"I don't have one either Severus," Albus replied wearily. "Miss Granger has confirmed your version of the event and the Aurors have examined your wand with the _Priori Incantatum. _Their findings also support your story."

"I already know I'm telling the truth," Severus snapped at the Headmaster. "What I don't know is why this happened! -- Is anyone doing anything to find out why this student is laying in the hospital wing dead, apparently by my hand?"

"Rest assured Severus, a complete investigation will be conducted and we will get to the bottom of this," Albus promised the distraught man before him. "In the meantime, unfortunately, I must relieve you of your classroom duties until this mystery is solved. You are, of course, free to use your laboratory to pursue your personal research."

Severus could tell from the Headmaster's tone that there was an unspoken message in his last words, but he was too rattled to discern what it was. He didn't want to be in Albus' office. He wanted more than anything else to be in his quarters with Hermione's comforting arms around him. He wanted to hear her soothing voice whispering to him, telling him that everything was going to be all right. 

That was impossible now. He could not afford to have his clandestine meetings with Hermione Granger discovered. His credibility was already strained to the limit by his status as a former Deatheater; if his relationship with the Head Girl was exposed, his trip to Azkaban was assured.

He'd killed a student. 

"May I make a request, Severus?" 

"Yes?" Severus said, looking up at the Headmaster with the absent expression of a man who was interrupted while in deep thought.

"This book was found near Gryffindor Tower. It appears blank and harmless, but after our experience with Tom Riddle's Diary, I think it would be prudent to examine it thoroughly. Since you are currently our foremost expert in the Dark Arts, and you now have time on your hands, I was hoping that you would agree to investigate this for me."

Severus looked at Albus incredulously. Did the doddering old man really think he needed some insipid, busywork to occupy him during his in-house incarceration? Severus sighed deeply and reconsidered his position. It was only because of Albus' intercession that he was awaiting the results of the investigation at Hogwarts instead of Azkaban.

"Fine," Severus said shortly as he took the book from Albus. "May I go now?"

"Of course," Albus said, releasing him.

~*~

The walk from the Headmaster's office to the dungeons was the longest of Severus' entire life. His stern countenance, billowing robes and confident stride always inspired a healthy respect from the student body; now it inspired panic. Severus was taken aback that the change bothered him as much as it did. He was not a man who generally required the approval of others, least of all the students. He entered his personal quarters and leaned heavily against the door as he closed it behind him. He shed his outer robes and his boots, settled into a chair in front of the fire, and pondered his next move while nursing a large tumbler of fire whiskey.

His reverie was disturbed by the sound of someone quietly entering his quarters. The wards were set to admit only two people besides himself: his mentor and friend, Albus Dumbledore -- and Hermione Granger, his student, his lover, and his most closely held secret.

"Severus," Hermione called as she rushed to his side. 

"You can't be here, Hermione. It's too risky for both of us."

"I know," said Hermione with resignation, "but I had to see you. I was very careful. What are they going to do to you?"

"I am relieved of my teaching duties until the investigation is concluded. What happens after that is anyone's guess," he replied dolefully. He pulled her into his lap and held her close. "Whatever they do, it will be a small price to pay for your life. She wanted to _kill_ you." He felt Hermione shudder in his arms.

"Do you know why Miss Tilly attacked you?"

"No! I barely knew her," she said, exasperated. The same question had been plaguing her since the incident. She knew Hyacinth Tilly only well enough to put a face with the name. Other than that, she didn't know anything about her. "Honestly, Severus. I have no idea."

"I see. -- I want you to go now Hermione, and I don't want you to come back until this matter is settled. If you think of anything that you feel I need to know, owl me…send word through Potter if you have to…just stay away." 

"I graduate in three weeks. Can we be together then?"

"If the investigation is concluded favorably, perhaps. Public knowledge of our relationship, even when it is permitted, could complicate things for me," he answered.

"But you didn't do anything wrong! They know that!" Hermione was beginning to become unglued.

"Hermione," said Severus, taking her face in his hands, "This mark on my arm makes me guilty until proven innocent. There are so many unanswered questions…_I_ would suspect me. The best way for you to help me is to stay away." His face softened. "It won't be forever."

"You're right," Hermione conceded as she rose to leave. "Is there anything I can do to help, in addition to staying away?"

"Cooperate with the Aurors and tell the truth. I would never ask you to lie, but please, don't volunteer any information about us," Severus said as he walked her to the door. "Everything will be fine."

He lifted her small chin with his fingertips and gazed into her big, brown eyes before lowering his mouth to hers in a passionate kiss.

"Good-bye for now, Hermione"

"Good-bye Severus," she said as she disappeared under Harry's invisibility cloak.

Severus stood by his open door until he was reasonably sure that she had left the area. There was no way to really tell; she had seven years of experience skulking around under Potter's cloak and had the stealth of an Auror. Once again he found himself leaning heavily against his door, wondering what he was supposed to do with his time. He had lived alone in the dungeons for years, but never felt lonely until just now.

He returned to his seat by the fire and reclaimed his whiskey. Having nothing else to do, he picked up the book Albus gave him to investigate and turned it over in his hands. It didn't look like much. It was a simple burgundy leather journal. There were no markings of any kind on the cover or on the pages in between. He wondered why Albus gave the book a second thought.

Severus held to the notion that the simplest solution to a problem was usually the best. In that vein, he took his wand and cast a basic revealing spell on the book. He didn't expect anything to happen and nearly dropped the book when gold embossed lettering appeared on the cover.

**__**

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

7th Year Memories

Of

Hyacinth Mary Tilly 

Severus' eyes narrowed and his mind began to sharpen with purpose. There had to be a reason Albus gave this book to him, rather than the Aurors. He moved to his desk, where he did his clearest thinking, and began to read. 

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

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Do you like it so far? Please review!


	2. Chapter 1 September

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Chapter 1 - September

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September 5th

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Harry and I met in the Owlery today. I longed to tell him how much I missed him over the summer holidays, but didn't because I didn't want to add guilt to the burdens he has to bear. A good girlfriend doesn't nag, and I'm a good girlfriend. I accept that Harry wants to keep our relationship private. That's why I don't complain when he doesn't write to me during breaks, or speak to me in the common room. That's why I don't make a scene when he flirts with a pretty girl. I know he is only keeping up appearances. The Owlery is our special place.

Some people think that Hermione Granger is Harry's girlfriend because he wrapped his cloak around her during the boat ride to the castle. I know better. He was just keeping up appearances. Hermione Granger would not be a good girlfriend. She nags him constantly about his schoolwork. She nags him about getting into mischief with Ron. She nags him about spending too much time on Quidditch. A good girlfriend doesn't nag. Hermione Granger would be a very bad girlfriend. She's just a big toothed, bushy haired bitch, who'd do well to leave my boyfriend alone.

****

Harry came to me today when I was taking care of Hedwig. Our owl is the most beautiful at Hogwarts. She only lets Harry and I handle her. Harry loves the way I take such good care of her.

****

When he saw me he gave me that quirky little smile that he only gives to me. It just makes me melt!

****

Harry told me that he was sending a letter to Professor Lupin. I think it's so wonderful that Harry secretly writes to the old DADA professor after he got sacked for lying about being a werewolf. Most people wouldn't be caught dead associating with a werewolf, but my Harry is so brave and compassionate. Poor, lonely Professor Lupin is lucky to have a friend like my Harry.

I'm so happy that Harry trusts me so much that he shares his secrets with me. Harry tells me everything. A good girlfriend never tells her boyfriend's secrets and Harry's secret friendship with a lonely werewolf is safe with me. Harry was in a hurry so he sent off his letter and promised to meet me later. I can hardly wait until he comes to Owlery again!

~**~**~

"Poor, lonely Lupin, indeed."

Severus nearly spewed the tea he was sipping all over the diary when he read that bit of the entry. Many people were openly friendly with Lupin. The werewolf had been working for Ollivander and shagging the old man's granddaughter for a bit over a year when Miss Tilly wrote the entry, and could hardly be described as either poor or lonely. He wondered if Potter was lying to Miss Tilly or if she was making up the details of her relationship with Potter. It was an important clue to her state of mind.

He found her references to Hermione disturbing.

'_Big toothed, bushy haired bitch? Bah!' _he thought. Hermione wasn't beautiful in the classical sense, but she had qualities that he found stunning. It didn't surprise him that those qualities were completely beyond the comprehension of the insipid Miss Tilly.

Severus thumbed through the diary and saw that there were at least a hundred more pages filled with the troubled ramblings of the gawky adolescent. He doubted he would have made it more that halfway through the first entry if his life didn't actually depend on gleaning something useful from the girl's delusional notations. He wondered if all eighteen-year-old girls were focused on such trivial pursuits. Hermione was his only frame of reference and she was certainly more well rounded than Miss Tilly; Hermione was surely mature beyond her years.

His heart sank when he thought about Hermione. He'd sent her away less than an hour ago and already he missed her quick wit, discerning intellect, and insatiable curiosity. He would be lying if he didn't admit to also missing her less cerebral virtues.

His breath caught and he felt himself rousing as he thought about the Hermione only he knew. Her small breasts, so responsive to his touch…the smell of her hair…her small hands stroking him, at first hesitantly, now confidently…the way their bodies fit together, so tight, hot and wet…the gorgeous expression on her face when he gave her pleasure --

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'Focus, damn it!' Severus reprimanded himself. This was no time to be pining away like a lovesick schoolboy. He took a sip of his tea and delved back into the diary.

~**~**~

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September 18th

Harry hasn't been back to the Owlery and I know why. That bushy haired bitch, Granger, won't let him out of her sight! She's always harping on him about his schoolwork. NEWTs are almost a whole school year away and she's already nagging him about studying for them. Harry and Ron were talking about the Quidditch season in the common room last night and she actually yelled at them for being so caught up in unimportant things. I would never behave like that. A good girlfriend doesn't nag.

Quidditch unimportant? How can she call herself his friend and say something like that? Doesn't she know how important Quidditch is to Harry? He was the youngest Seeker in a century and he's the best Seeker EVER! When she says Quidditch isn't important, she's really saying that HE isn't important. Hermione is a very bad friend. The only reason Harry and I tolerate her is because he needs her help to stay on top of his marks. He's so busy being the greatest Seeker and fighting You-Know-Who that he needs a little extra help. I'd love to give her a piece of my mind, but I can't because that would give away Harry's secret about me. A good girlfriend always keeps her boyfriend's secrets.

I'm sure Harry will come to the Owlery as soon as he can get away from Granger's constant surveillance. I wonder if Harry misses me as much as I miss him.

~**~**~

"Somehow I doubt it, Miss Tilly," Severus said, in answer to her question.

The girl was obsessed with Potter. He found the entire notion of a female aching for 'the boy-who-lived-to-torment-him' nauseating. He supposed there was no accounting for taste. His musings on the fickle nature of female attraction were interrupted by a knock on his chamber door.

"Enter," Severus called out as he tucked the diary safely away in his desk drawer.

"Wotcher, Severus," said Tonks with uncharacteristic seriousness as she entered his chambers. "Do you have time to answer a few questions for me?"

"Time is something I now have in abundance, Tonks," he answered ruefully. "What would you like to know?"

"How well did you know Miss Tilly?" Tonks asked as she took a seat in front of his desk.

Severus shook his head at the irony of their positions. Generally, the person sitting in her chair was an errant student, squirming as he interrogated them. Now he was the one being interrogated, and he didn't like it.

"She was an unexceptional student. I only knew her well enough to put her face with her name."

Severus became uneasy when he saw that his answer concerned Tonks.

"Those were the exact words that Hermione used to describe her relationship with Miss Tilly," Tonks observed.

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'Sloppy! Damn sloppy, Snape!' Severus reprimanded himself. He knew Tonks wasn't sorted into Ravenclaw for nothing. Her frivolous and clumsy manner hid a keen intellect. He trusted her to be fair with him, but he knew that she would uphold her responsibilities as an Auror. If he continued to make mistakes like the one he just made, she would have him moved to Azkaban in a heartbeat.

"I wouldn't know," Severus answered with a practiced aloofness that he hoped would allay her suspicions. "Have you been able to determine Miss Tilly's motives for attacking Miss Granger?"

"Not yet," Tonks answered. "I can't find anyone who was close enough to her to tell me much about her."

"What is there to know? What does any silly eighteen year old girl think about?" Severus attempted to subtly steer Tonks' investigation in the right direction.

"I don't know…eighteen year old boys, I suppose," Tonks said with a laugh.

"Perhaps it would be prudent to interview the boys closest to Miss Granger again," Severus suggested. "They may know more than they think they do."

"Good point, Sev," Tonks conceded. "That would be Harry and Ron I'm guessing. I'll get right on it."

"May I accompany you when you question them?"

Severus wanted to compare Harry's interpretation of events to Miss Tilly's. It would be useful to know to what extent the diary actually corresponded with reality.

"I don't know about that. I don't think it will be to your advantage to have any irregularities in the investigation. Not everyone trusts in your innocence as I do, Sev."

"Please Tonks," Severus asked with sincere humility, "my life is on the line. I can't just sit here and do nothing while others determine my fate. Please, just let me observe."

Tonks sighed deeply and considered his request.

"I don't suppose there would be any harm in you observing the questioning so long as you don't interfere," she reluctantly agreed. "You can come with me as long as you leave you wand behind."

"You know my wand isn't good for much more than opening my door and flushing the john," he said with a slightly humorous sneer. "You put the wards on it yourself."

"So I did," she laughed, "but you're a cagey bastard. I don't put anything past you."

"Fine. The wand stays. Shall we go now?"

"A cagey, impatient bastard," Tonks complained. "That's understandable. Let's go talk to Harry and Ron."

~**~**~

Severus sat in a wing chair in front the fireplace in the teacher's lounge as Tonks interrogated Potter and Weasley. He gave an appearance of indifference, but was actually carefully considering every word the boys said.

"Did you think Miss Tilly was unusual in any way?" Tonks asked the boys.

Both boys were concerned about Hermione, and took the question very seriously.

"She had a mustache," Ron offered earnestly. "That's unusual, isn't it? I've never seen another girl with a mustache. You don't think that maybe she was a bloke, do you?"

Severus struggled to suppress a laugh. It wasn't often that he found Weasley's idiocy amusing.

"She hung out in the Owlery a lot," said Harry, ignoring Ron's comment. "She talked to the birds. She acted like they all belonged to her. She made me feel nervous and uncomfortable, like there was something not quite right about her."

__

'Now we're getting somewhere,' Severus thought. _'Keep him talking, Tonks.'_

"What did she say to the birds, Harry?"

"I don't remember anything specifically. She would stop when she saw me," he answered.

"Did she say anything to you?"

"She would ask me who I was owling all the time. It made me uncomfortable to tell her that I was owling Katie so I always told her that I was owling Remus. She wouldn't ask me questions about him."

Ron laughed.

"Remember the time that Hedwig got confused and delivered your letter to Katie to Remus? The poor man probably thought you were in love with him. That was funny!"

"I didn't think so," Harry complained. "This is serious Ron. Will you stop joking around?"

"What did you say to her, Harry?" asked Tonks.

"I just said hello…thanks for giving Hedwig treats…see you later…you know, polite stuff," Harry answered.

__

'Harry loves the way I take care of his owl…He said he'd meet me later. -- Of course,' Severus thought. _'The girl was reading much too much into simple social exchanges.'_

He was beginning to get the answers he needed.

"I don't see the big deal," Ron spat. "That weird girl tried to kill Hermione. Professor Snape did what he had to do to save her. They should be pinning the Order of Merlin on his chest as far as I'm concerned, not trying to put him in Azkaban."

Severus found himself wishing he could award house points to Gryffindor on Weasley's behalf. It was an uncomfortable feeling that he hoped would pass quickly. 

"I tend to agree, Ron," Tonks said, patting him on the shoulder. "Understand, I have to do my job. You can go boys."

Tonks escorted the boys to the door and turned to address Severus.

"Ok, back to your chambers, Sev. Sorry this wasn't more productive."

"On the contrary Tonks. I thought it was very interesting,"


	3. Chapter 2: October

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Chapter 2- October

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October 6th

It's been a whole year. I can't believe he's gone and it's all my fault. He told me that he had to hide, and that it wasn't safe for me to visit him during Hogsmeade weekend. But I was a bad girlfriend and I nagged him. I owled him and owled him until he said it was OK. He told me that we needed to be a secret because You-Know-Who was mad at his father for not coming when he called. I didn't believe him. Harry was the only one who believed that You-Know-Who was back and everyone thought he was crazy. Even the Daily Prophet. Even me. But Harry wasn't crazy. My brave Harry was right. If I believed Harry, my old boyfriend would still be alive. I'll never doubt Harry again. Harry always tells the truth.

I was a bad girlfriend. I told my boyfriend's secret and now he's dead. I should have known something was wrong when Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle teased me. They never even talked to me before. They teased by saying that I was so ugly that no boy would ever have anything to do with me. They followed me around and said it over and over again. They called me fat and ugly. They asked me if my mother was a troll. They kept saying that I'd never be kissed. That's when I told my boyfriend's secret. I yelled at those Slytherins that I DID have a boyfriend and that he even kissed me, and he was going to kiss me some more when I met him in Hogsmeade. 

****

I saw my boyfriend in Hogsmeade and we did kiss. Twice. The next day at breakfast I read in the Daily Prophet that they found him dead. I was a very bad girlfriend. I nagged my boyfriend and I told his secret. Now he's dead. Slytherins and You-Know-Who killed him and I helped.

Harry's my boyfriend now. Sometimes, I see the Slytherins and think about what they said to me. Harry would never let someone be mean to me like that. Harry loves me for who I am. After You-Know-Who is dead, they'll see. We won't have to hide anymore and Harry will make those Slytherins see how much he loves me. You-Know-Who can't kill Harry. He already tried before and failed. I'm a good girlfriend for Harry because I don't nag and tell secrets anymore. Harry will always be safe.

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I wish it were that simple, Miss Tilly.

Severus sat back and rubbed his temples. He remembered the young man who was killed in Hogsmeade. He was a squib and the son of a low ranking Death Eater who owned a shop in Hogsmeade's business district. His father did not heed the call of the Dark Mark and the Dark Lord made an example of him.

The Dark Lord generally killed his enemies outright, but used more subtle methods to terrorize his followers…he killed the things they loved. Severus had always drawn strength from the fact that he loved nothing and no one. The only leverage the Dark Lord had over him was physical pain and death, neither of which was strong enough to sway him to the Dark Lord's will. Now there was Hermione, and he fully appreciated the terrible hold the Dark Lord had on his followers.

The young man was one of the first examples of the Dark Lord's displeasure with any who would not answer his call. He needed able wizards to do his bidding, so the squib was an obvious choice for death. Severus told Dumbledore about the Dark Lord's plans. The Headmaster, in turn, warned the family who placed the boy in hiding.

How the Death Eaters found the boy was a mystery at the time of his death; it was a mystery that was now solved.

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You are quite correct Miss Tilly; in this situation, a good girlfriend does not tell her boyfriend's secrets.

Severus sipped his tea and read the entry again.

****

I should have known something was wrong when Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle teased me. They never even talked to me before.

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Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle…sons of Death Eaters.

He shook his head regretfully and wondered if the boys knew that they were gathering information that would be used to kill a young man much like themselves. Crabbe and Goyle were dunderheads; Severus was sure that they followed Malfoy's lead without question or consideration for the consequences. Malfoy, on the other hand, was intelligent, cunning, and insightful; he was very much his father's son.

If Malfoy didn't know at the time that he was involved in a conspiracy to commit murder, he certainly knew after the fact and did not show any remorse. Severus had been watching the younger Malfoy carefully after the return of the Dark Lord. If Draco were disturbed by the part he played in the young man's murder, Severus would have known it.

Severus knew that Draco Malfoy passed information on to his father about the goings on at Hogwarts. He was just never sure if the boy was a witting participant in the espionage -- until now. Miss Tilly's diary provided compelling evidence that Draco was much more than his father's hapless dupe. Draco enlisted the aide of his companions, sought out a girl whom he never spoke to before, and teased her about a boyfriend, a boyfriend who ended up dead not two days later. Draco warranted close scrutiny.

Severus shuddered to think what would happen if Malfoy discovered his relationship with Hermione. Severus Snape --Death Eater, bedding the mud blood sidekick of the Boy-Who-Lived. He wondered how long the Dark Lord would permit him to draw breath after he made him watch Hermione as she was raped, tortured and murdered.

Severus groaned in frustration and chastised himself for his selfishness. One would think that the prospect of rape, torture and death would be enough to deter him from seeing Hermione, but their relationship was wrong on so many other levels that pursuing it was…

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Insane?

The word came to him unbidden. The irony of the situation was not lost on Severus.

At the very least, the relationship was unethical. She was an eighteen-year-old student and he was her teacher. Even more, it was unfair to Hermione. As a double agent, he had the life expectancy of a gnat. Realistically, he had no future, whereas Hermione's future was as bright and promising as the sunrise on a clear spring day. What right did he have to jeopardize that?

Severus steepled his hands in front of his face and breathed deeply. Perhaps it would be best for all involved if he were sent to Azkaban.

Miss Tilly's diary gave him insight into her mental condition and the nature of her attraction to Harry Potter. It gave him valuable information about Draco Malfoy. Most disturbingly, it caused him to reflect on the futility of his relationship with Hermione Granger.

It told him everything except what he needed to know. Why did Hyacinth Tilly die?

****

October 15th

Harry came to the Owlery today, but we couldn't talk because Granger followed him. She never gives us any privacy. I hate her. She's trying to break us up. She is trying to make Harry love other girls. She's confusing him.

****

She didn't know I was there and I heard everything she said. She made Harry owl a letter to Katie Bell asking her to the Halloween Ball. She nagged him for not owling Katie earlier. He said that he did but Hedwig took it to the wrong person.

****

Why would he say that? Our Hedwig would never make that kind of mistake. Besides, I know he never owled her because he tells me everyone who he sends letters to. He only owls Professor Lupin. He must have owled Katie Bell a very long time ago. Last year maybe, because Harry would never lie

.

Harry always tells the truth, even when people are mean to him about it. Last year he told the truth about You-Know-Who and nobody believed him, but he was right. He must be trying to trick Granger because he doesn't trust her. She already nags him. She must be the kind of girl who tells secrets too.

I'm glad my Harry is smart enough not to tell her his secrets. But still, he's a boy, and boys make mistakes. They get tired of nagging and give in. They tell secrets by accident. Nagging and telling secrets are dangerous. Something is going to have to be done about Hermione Granger before she does something to get my Harry hurt.

__

'Something is going to have to be done about Hermione Granger'…we now have a motive and a bona fide threat.

Severus was not surprised that no one had been able to ascertain why Hyacinth Tilly attacked Hermione. The girl walked the same halls, ate the same food, slept in the same dormitories, and attended the same classes as the other students, yet somehow existed in an entirely different universe. She had the same objective as every adult at Hogwarts; keep Potter safe at all costs. But, in spite of her single-minded focus on the boy, she managed to overlook every real threat and construed every innocent interaction as a mortal danger.

The thing that intrigued him the most about Miss Tilly's universe was its rigidity. Everything was absolute. Things were black or white, good or bad. Potter always told the truth. Hermione was always bad. There were rules. Her madness had a structure and order that Severus found morbidly fascinating.

It struck him as odd that Miss Tilly made the decision to "do something" about Hermione in October, yet waited until May to make her move. Her attack on Hermione lacked finesse, so he doubted that she planned it for any length of time. If Miss Tilly thought Hermione posed an immediate threat to Potter, she would have moved sooner. Something must have stopped her. But what?

__

Puzzling.

****

October 31st

Harry took Katie Bell to the Halloween Ball. She came in special for it. All of her friends went giddy when she came into the common room. All the shrieking and giggling gave me a headache. She looked pretty enough, I suppose. People expect Harry Potter to have a pretty girlfriend. My Harry needs to have a pretty girl to keep up appearances.

****

Harry looked so handsome. He wore navy blue dress robes with a white shirt and black trousers. Katie was fussing over him, straightening things out and fixing things. She tried to do something with his hair but it was hopeless. She laughed and said it was part of his charm. I'm not sure if all of her fussing was nagging or not. Harry seemed a little embarrassed, but didn't tell her to stop. He smiled at her a lot, but it wasn't that same quirky smile that he only gives to me. The one that makes it look like he has butterflies in his stomach. 

****

Granger went with Ron. She pulls out all the stops when she goes to Balls. She straightened out her bushy mop of hair and put on some make-up. She wore a dark red silky dress robe and perfume. I could smell it clear across the common room. If her intention was to suffocate Ron, she was off to a good start. Harry didn't think that Granger looked pretty. He didn't notice that she was different at all.

Everyone fifth year and up is going to the Ball tonight except me. Even some of the fourth years are going. I would be sad about not going but I know that this is jut the way it has to be when you are Harry Potter's girlfriend.

__

The Halloween Ball. Ah, yes…the dark red robes, her perfume…

Severus smiled when he thought of that night and marveled at how his perception of Hermione had changed in such a short period of time. He didn't love Hermione in October; she was still nothing more than an insufferable know-it-all to him at that time. But she did look lovely that night. Lovely enough that he had taken notice. She didn't look like a student; she looked like…a woman.

Severus wondered if perhaps the Halloween Ball really was the beginning of his fascination with Hermione. He'd always thought it was the time they spent together making up work, after her accident in potions.

Severus paused. It always seemed very unlikely to him the Hermione Granger would be capable of making the mistake that landed her in the hospital wing for two weeks, but there was no reason to suspect anything else at the time. Now there was.

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Perhaps last night was not Miss Tilly's first attempt to kill Hermione. 


	4. Chapter 3: November

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Chapter 3 - November

November 1st

Those Slytherin boys teased me at breakfast today for being the only seventh year girl who didn't go to the Halloween Ball. They called me a troll again. I almost started to cry when they asked me why my boyfriend didn't take me. My first boyfriend is dead and it's their entire fault. My new boyfriend can't take me because we're a secret. Harry couldn't tell the Slytherin boys to go away because he has to be careful not to let people know about us, but Granger could have told them to shut up. She's Head Girl and they were breaking the rules. She was too busy with her nose in a book to do her job.

I don't need stupid Hermione Granger or anyone else because I made four new friends last night. Their names are Bella, Suzy, Annie and Mary. Now I have someone to talk to and share secrets with like the other girls do. I can tell my friends everything because they can't tell anyone else.

Mary and Suzy are pretty and popular. They know all about how to look pretty and act the right way. They're going to help me get ready for when Harry and I don't have to be a secret anymore. I'll need to look good and know how to act when we go out with all of the important people who want to be around us.

Annie is a little bit mean. She doesn't let people push her around. She snarks people before they get a chance to snark her. Annie was already mad at Hermione Granger for being a nag, and at the Slytherin boys for killing my first boyfriend. She got even madder when I told her about breakfast today. She said that they all needed to learn a lesson.

Poor Bella. All of the other girls call her Ugly Bella because there just wasn't enough hair for her. I like Bella best of all because she understands me. I can talk to her about anything without being embarrassed because she knows how I feel. When the other girls fell asleep we talked about how bad it feels to get laughed at and called a troll. We also talked about how I feel when Harry and I are alone together. I told Bella what it feels like to kiss a boy and we both wondered what everything that comes after kissing feels like. 

It's nice to finally have friends to talk to. I like all of my new friends, but I like Bella the best. I can't wait to introduce them to Harry.

Severus went into his private stores and retrieved some Pepper-up potion. He had slept fitfully and even his customary morning coffee did little to improve his mental clarity. He had to be sharp today. This was the most complex diary entry thus far and it was critical to analyze every nuance correctly. He approached the task with the same exacting attention to detail that he used in making potions. He read the passage again, and then a third time. He had to ask the right questions if he was going to get the answers he needed. 

Who were Miss Tilly's friends? They were obviously not other students. The rules of her universe would not allow her to divulge her perceived relationship with Potter to an actual student. The castle still contained other possibilities: ghosts, portraits, and house elves, just to name a few. Severus dismissed all of these, and anything else with a consciousness and a mouth, for the same reason he dismissed the idea that they could be students. Her rules simply did not allow her to tell her secrets to anyone capable of repeating them.

So what did he know about Miss Tilly's new friends? He knew their names, their basic personalities and that Bella was ugly because there wasn't enough hair for her. What did he know about Miss Tilly? She had an imaginary relationship with Potter, she talked to owls, and she took everything literally…

__

Of course! If what Potter said was correct, Miss Tilly used language literally. When she said she made four new friends; she meant that she actually constructed four new friends. Effigies perhaps? That was seriously dark magic. No one would create an effigy and call it a friend. They were probably just dolls. Why would she construct pretend companions in a school full of children?

Severus sat back in his chair and laced his fingers together behind his head. Why indeed? It was painfully obvious that the girl was lonely and craved companionship. The question was, how did she go from constructing imaginary friends to attempted murder? What relationship did any of this have to her death? 

Severus felt the beginnings of a massive headache coming on as he began to consider the individual personalities of Miss Tilly's friends, and her relationship with each of them. 

__

What would a snarky old bastard like me know about how teenaged girls relate to each other? I haven't the first idea what goes on in the minds of those giggling dunderheads.

He didn't understand teenaged girls when he was a teenager and he didn't understand them now. Hermione was his only frame of reference and he was sure she was as far from the norm in a positive way as Miss Tilly was in a negative one. He doubted that Hermione could offer much in the way of understanding Miss Tilly's psyche. Hermione excelled in her studies and had close friends; she was Head Girl and was famous as a member of the golden trio. Miss Tilly was isolated and tormented.

Severus paused. Those were emotions he could relate to. He knew exactly what it was like to be a loner at Hogwarts with four students making your life miserable. But were those emotions enough to drive a person to attempt to commit murder? He reluctantly reflected on his own school years. 

The Marauders…two were dead, one had gone very wrong, and one…he was now an ally of sorts. He had good reason to hate Black and Potter. They never missed an opportunity to hex or humiliate him. If Potter hadn't intervened, he'd have been killed by one of Black's pranks. 

Pettigrew. Severus snorted when he thought about that mealy little rat. Pettigrew was too weak to harm him on his own, but avidly cheered Potter and Black on when they entertained themselves at Severus' expense.

And then there was Lupin. Lupin did nothing to Severus. That was the problem; Lupin did nothing. Lupin clearly disapproved of the others' behavior and, as a prefect, had the power to stop them, but chose to do nothing. 

Severus drew some very disturbing parallels between his tormentors and Miss Tilly's. Malfoy was very much like Black and Potter. He humiliated her and caused her very real harm. Pettigrew, Crabbe, and Goyle were all cut from the same cloth. They were toadies -- feckless followers, who cheered on the real bullies. That left Hermione and Lupin. True, they were both prefects, but the similarity ended there. Lupin was aware of Severus' circumstances but chose to turn a blind eye. Hermione barely noticed Miss Tilly. She had no idea that the girl was suffering.

****

Granger could have told them to shut up. She's Head Girl and they were breaking the rules. She was too busy with her nose in a book to do her job.

_A prefect who refused to see, and a prefect who didn't see. Perhaps they weren't so different after all. If Hermione was Miss Tilly's Lupin, would that be sufficient motivation to attempt to commit murder? _

Severus could understand if Miss Tilly tried to murder Malfoy; he recalled lying awake many a night in his dorm room fantasizing about Potter and Black's painful and embarrassing demise. But she didn't choose Malfoy. She chose Hermione, who did nothing to harm her and nothing to help her. 

Severus wondered if he would have murdered Lupin if the opportunity presented itself when they were students. He remembered seeing the deep furrow in Lupin's brow as the werewolf pointedly ignored his friends as they dangled Severus upside down. He remembered his humiliation when his only champion turned out to be a girl, and a mudblood at that. Finally he remembered Lupin getting up and walking away when Potter and Black uprooted him again and removed his undergarments after Evans left. 

Yes, there were times when I would have liked to murder all of them if I'd had the chance.

Severus' train of thought was interrupted by a crash at his chamber door.

"Wotcher, Severus," Tonks called out cheerfully as she entered his chambers. "Sorry. I knocked over the --"

"I heard," Severus interrupted, casually closing the diary and placing it in a pile of similar looking volumes. "Most people announce their presence by knocking on the door _before_ they enter someone's private chambers; not by knocking over their possessions after they enter."

"You know the drill, Sev. I'm to make at least three unannounced visits to you a day, so don't be occupying your time with anything I don't want to see," she said raising her eyebrows suggestively. 

Severus' lip curled slightly at her implication. His relationship with the fumbling Auror had evolved from open dislike to genuine respect over the last two years. She was one of the few people who could say anything she wanted to him without fear of getting hexed.

"How is your investigation progressing?" he asked, inviting her to sit with a graceful gesture of his hand.

"It's not. I'm no closer to an answer than I was last night when we talked to the boys. A medi-wizard from St. Mungo's will be arriving this morning to examine her body. I think that's our best hope for an answer."

"Have you gone through her possessions?"

"Sure have. Like I told you, no answers, just more questions."

"How so? What did you find?" 

"It's not what I found; it's what I didn't find. She had six blank books that turned out to be journals when I cast a revealing spell on them. I figured they were journals because I had the same kind when I was in school."

Severus was well practiced in deception. His face didn't reveal any of the tension that he felt when she mentioned the journals. He asked the logical question.

"What didn't you find?"

"There were only six journals. This year's is missing."

"Are you sure she kept a journal this year?" he asked. Tonks shook her head in amusement.

"Sometimes you can be such a …man. -- Of course she kept a journal this year! It's her last year at Hogwarts. No girl keeps a journal for six years and then stops just when things get interesting!"

"Have you searched the castle for it?"

"A manual search in this castle? You're joking, right? Vector will need about three days to write a locator spell for it. We'll find it."

"Good," said Severus. He had three days to discover whatever secrets the diary held before it would be in the hands of the Aurors. Whatever it contained had to be earth shaking if Albus couldn't acknowledge knowing about it and didn't want the Aurors to know about it either.

"You didn't find anything at all unusual?" Severus asked, attempting to steer the conversation away from the book. 

"I didn't say that. She had four of the ugliest little sock puppets I've ever seen. She made them with some old, smelly stockings, ink, and her own hair." Tonks screwed her face and changed her hair color from pink to baby blue. "At least if I made sock puppets, they'd be _interesting_."

"Hair? Are you sure it was her hair and not Hermione's. Perhaps she was practicing dark magic." Severus felt like Albus, asking questions he already knew the answers to.

"No. That was the first thing I thought of when I found them. It was her hair and there was nothing magical about them. Sorry Sev. They're just socks with faces drawn on them and hair."

Severus nodded his head and acted like Tonks' revelations were news to him.

"Well Sev," said Tonks, rising from her chair, "as much as I enjoy your company, I've got work to do. I hate that you're restricted to these drafty dungeons. But hey, at least you have your lab. Sort of.

"Is there anything left in my lab?"

"Not much more than the ingredients to brew a strong cup of tea, I'm afraid. I had to remove anything that could possibly be used to create a dangerous potion so you could have access. I thought you'd rather be restricted and have your stores left alone, but Albus insisted. I have no earthly idea why."

"I stopped speculating on Albus' motives a long time ago," said Severus.

__

What the hell did the old man know and why wasn't he telling?

Severus rose to escort Tonks out so he could get back to the diary and get some answers.

"You'll keep me informed?" he asked earnestly, as he opened the door for her.

"You know I will," Tonks answered, reaching up and placing a supportive hand on his shoulder. "Keep your chin up Sev. I'll find your answers."

****

November 15th

Those Slytherin boys were being mean to me again at breakfast. They were making fun of the way I look. First they made fun of my hair. I had to cut some of it off to make my new friends and it's a little longer on one side than the other. Then they called me mean names. They are always calling me a troll, but now they are calling me Two-Ton Tilly and Hideous Hyacinth too. Granger didn't look up from her book to stop them until Pansy Parkinson started laughing at the boys with that God awful high-pitched laugh of hers. I'm glad that my being tortured finally inconvenienced Granger. She doesn't care about anything except getting the highest NEWT scores in Hogwarts' history. She should do her job. 

The morning was awful but the nighttime was so great! My new friends got to meet Harry!!! After dinner, my friends and I all went to the Owlery so we could talk in private. We were talking about the Slytherin boys and how we would make them pay for being mean when Harry came up and met us. He said hi and I told him all about how I was taking care of Hedwig. He got all shy looking and said thanks. He must not have had a lot of time because he said he had to go. Granger was probably nagging him again. He told me he'd see me later. 

My friends thought Harry was so handsome and so nice. They can't wait until Harry and I don't have to be a secret anymore. Neither can I.

__

Imaginary friends…an imaginary relationship with Potter. Her relationship with Malfoy and his sycophants was the only important relationship in the diary that was real.

Severus believed Miss Tilly's accounts of her run-ins with Malfoy; it was just like him to provide a laugh to his mates at another student's expense. There was also the very real death of the squib in Hogsmeade to support her tale. He was not at all certain about her perceptions of Hermione's behavior. He had a hard time accepting that the girl who championed the cause of house elves would turn a blind eye to a band of Slytherins tormenting a Gryffindor…or anyone else for that matter. In the end, he decided that perhaps the truth was not the issue; perhaps his answers were to be found in Miss Tilly's perceptions.

"Ouch!" Came a frustrated voice from the doorway.

"Good Lord woman, how did you ever manage to pass stealth training?" He was grateful to her, despite his annoyed tone. Severus was fairly certain that Tonks was intentionally alerting him to her presence. She was exceptionally talented when it came to following the letter of the law while violating the intent. He slipped the diary into his desk drawer and motioned to her to enter his study.

"What is it?" he asked, noting the grave expression on her face.

"It's not good news, Severus." Tonks took a deep breath and sat down before continuing. "The medi-wizard from St. Mungo's has finished his autopsy."

"Was he able to determine what caused her death?" Severus was sure that the medi-wizard's report would vindicate him since he was, in fact, innocent. It appeared from Tonks' demeanor that it did not.

"Yes and no. She was killed by your Petrificus Totalus, but the medi-wizard was not able to determine exactly why."

"That's hardly news, Tonks."

"If you'll allow me to finish…He wasn't able to determine the exact reason why the Petrificus Totalus killed her. But he did discover that she ingested a complicated potion about two hours before her death."

"What potion?"

"Can't tell without further tests. It was almost completely metabolized when she died."

"I want to see the autopsy notes. _All_ of them."

"Of course. I'll have them sent down immediately." Tonks paused uncomfortably. "Severus, I need to know where you were between dinner and rounds last night."

Severus pondered the irony of his position. His answer to Tonks' question would both exonerate him and convict him.

"I was in my chambers."

"Can anyone verify that?"

__

Of course. The Head Girl stopped by for leisurely shag before she went on rounds.

"Yes, Miss Granger stopped by for some assistance," he answered truthfully. He'd instructed Hermione not to lie to the Aurors, but not to offer any information either. She understood that the necessity of keeping their relationship a secret. He hoped his answer was sufficiently vague that it would correspond with whatever answer Hermione gave Tonks.

"I hope that's enough, Sev. Even with an alibi, this potion looks bad for you. I'm not sure Albus is going to be able to keep you out of Azkaban anymore," said Tonks, with great regret.

"How long do I have?"

"One day…Two at the most. I'm so sorry Severus. I'll do everything I can..."

"I know you will."

He thanked Tonks for the information and escorted the despondent Auror to the door. He returned to his desk and stared at the diary.

__

It's time to tell me all of your secrets, Miss Tilly.


	5. Chapter 4: December

December 2nd

My new friends and I have been talking in the Owlery a lot lately about the Slytherins and Hermione Granger. The Slytherins are awful. They tease me about being ugly and not having a boyfriend. The last time they did that, my old boyfriend was killed. Now the Slytherins are doing it again. I hope they don't know our secret. I hope they aren't trying to get me to tell secrets about Harry so they can hurt him like they hurt my old boyfriend.

Annie thinks I should do something about the Slytherins once and for all. Not just for Harry, but for me. She said it's about time I stood up for myself and did something about being treated badly. Mary and Suzy thought that was the worst idea they ever heard. They said it would ruin everything. They said that I should just put up with the Slytherins until Harry and I didn't have to be a secret anymore. They talked about how romantic it would be when Harry finally got even with the Slytherins for me and then kissed me in front of the whole school. He would be a hero and I would be his girlfriend and everyone would know it. They might even write a story about it in Witch Weekly. Mary and Suzy think I should be more concerned about losing a stone or two than getting rid of Slytherins.

Bella was really quiet during the whole argument. She didn't talk until everyone was all talked out, but when she did talk she made a lot of sense. She said that if Harry really loves me, it won't matter to him if I lose weight or not. Then she said that, so far, the Slytherins have just been mean with their mouths. They haven't been dangerous to me. As long as I'm a good girlfriend and don't tell any secrets, they shouldn't be dangerous to Harry either. At least no more than usual, and Harry has never had any trouble handling them before.

The person that Bella is upset with is Hermione Granger. She says that Hermione is supposed to do something about the Slytherins when they tease people because she's Head Girl and that's her job. Bella's right. We all think so. Hermione Granger is not a very good Head Girl. She doesn't do her job. All she does is study and nag Harry. Even Mary and Suzy don't see anything wrong with teaching Hermione Granger a lesson she won't soon forget. Of course, we couldn't agree on what that lesson should be at first.

Annie thought that we should hurt her, Mary and Suzy thought that we should embarrass her, and Bella thought that I should talk to her. We took a vote and Mary and Suzy won. Even Bella agreed that Hermione might start doing her job better if she knew what it felt like to be embarrassed. We are going to embarrass Hermione Granger and it's going to be fun. We're going to meet at the Owlery again tomorrow to come up with a plan.

Thank goodness for Bella. At least there was one seemingly sane person in the village of idiots that existed in Miss Tilly's head.

Severus reflected seriously on that sarcastic thought. Bella _was_ thoughtful and reasonable. He reminded himself that Bella was not, in fact, another person, but rather a dimension of Hyacinth Tilly. The part of her that was still rational and sane. Bella's observations were, for the most part, spot on. She even qualified Missy Tilly's imaginary relationship with Potter by saying "if".

****

"She said that if Harry really loves me, it won't matter to him if I lost weight or not."

Miss Tilly said that Bella made sense. So we know that, at least in December, she was still listening to reason.

Severus ran his hands through his hair and blew a long breath through his lips. If he was going to figure out what Dumbledore wanted him to know from this diary, he wasn't going to have to figure out one adolescent girl; he was going to have to figure out five. He knew he was out of his depth. He was an expert on the workings of herbs and magic, not adolescent psychology. It was a popular misconception that Legilimens were experts in the workings of the human mind. In fact the opposite was true. When you know everything about a person's mind simply by entering it, you didn't bother with the inexact and complicated matters of psychology and personality.

Miss Tilly was dead and her "friends" never existed. There were no eyes to look into, no minds to probe. All he had was a book of her thoughts, and her interpretation of the events of the past months. From that, he had to determine why Miss Tilly tried to kill Hermione, what potion was in her system, how it got there, and why a simple restraining spell killed her. He had one day to figure it all out or he would be spending the rest of his days in Azkaban. Severus snorted at the irony of it all. He had outwitted the Dark Lord and the likes of Lucius Malfoy, only to be done in by and eighteen-year-old girl with no particular talent.

Severus returned his attention to the task at hand. He felt it was important to note that in December, Miss Tilly only sought to embarrass Hermione, not kill her. Something must have happened after December to turn Hermione from an annoyance to a threat. He read on.

December 6th

I did it! I did it! I did it! Hermione Granger is completely humiliated. Here's what happened. I did it!!!!!

A few nights ago my friends and I met in the Owlery to talk about how we would embarrass Hermione Granger. Mary and Suzy kept saying that we should find a potion to make her hair fall out, or that we should charm all of her clothes off so she would be naked in the middle of the great hall right in the middle of dinner. Annie got mad at Mary and Suzy for being stupid. She said that Hermione Granger was used to looking bad and that making her look worse probably wouldn't embarrass her much. Then she said that they were stupid because they didn't remember that there were spells on the castle that disabled all of the best mischief charms. She read that in Hogwarts, A History. Annie said that if we were going to embarrass Hermione with a charm, we would have to come up with something original, that the castle wouldn't turn off.

Bella said that Hermione was very proud of being the smartest witch in the school. If we really wanted to embarrass her we should do something to make her look stupid in front of the entire school. We all agreed, even Annie, that this was the very best idea, but we couldn't think of a plan. We were going to meet again to try to come up with something really good.

We didn't have to. The next day, in potions, the perfect opportunity just popped right up. We were brewing an Aging Draught and Professor Snape must have said about a hundred times that we had to add the ingredients in order or something really bad would happen. He even made us repeat the ingredients in order, twice. He said that only a dunderhead would make a mistake on this potion and he looked right at Neville Longbottom when he said it.

That's when I knew what to do. Professor Snape was keeping his eyes on the Slytherins and Hermione was paying attention to Neville. Everyone else was paying attention to their cauldrons; luckily no one sits at the table with me. When I was sure no one would see what I was doing, I levitated some lacewing flies into Hermione's cauldron.

All hell broke loose. Her cauldron started putting out a ton of smoke. Professor Snape cast a spell right away that made her cauldron and all of the smoke disappear. He did it so fast that no one breathed in any of the smoke but Hermione and Neville. I'm really glad he did that because it wouldn't have been embarrassing for Hermione if everyone were too hurt to see what happened.

And you wouldn't believe what happened! Hermione and Neville got old right in front of everyone. And I'm not saying older; I'm saying OLD. Gray hair, wrinkles, everything. The Slytherins were quiet at first, but then they started laughing. Hermione looked at her hands and then felt her face and her hair and started to cry. I didn't get to see anything else because Professor Snape sent us all to our common rooms and took Hermione and Neville to the hospital wing.

That was two days' ago, and no one has seen Hermione or Neville since. I guess she's too EMBARRASSED to show her face. Her old, wrinkled, made a stupid dunderhead mistake in potions, face.

Annie and I are happy because now everyone thinks Hermione is a dunderhead, and Mary and Suzy are happy because she looks really, really ugly. Everyone is happy except Bella. She thinks that we went overboard and that Harry would be very upset if he found out. She's probably right, but I know she won't tell my secret. She's a good friend.

Severus felt his blood begin to boil.

That bitch. That ignorant, stupid bitch. She could have killed us all. Hermione and Neville spent two weeks in the hospital wing, not because they were embarrassed, but because they were on the brink of death. Adding the lacewing flies early converted the essential elements of the potion from a liquid to a gas. Hermione and Neville inhaled enough to do them serious harm. If it weren't for the emergency Port Key to the hospital wing that he kept in his pocket at all times, they would have died of old age within two minutes.

He remembered pacing the hospital wing as Madam Pomfrey worked frantically on Hermione and Neville. He was furious with Hermione for making such an idiotic mistake. He remembered wondering how Hermione Granger could be capable of such idiocy. Longbottom? Absolutely. Granger? Never. It had to be Longbottom's doing. Granger was simply incapable of that level of incompetence. He remembered being furious with himself for leaving the supervision of a moron like Longbottom to a mere student, even a student as bright as Granger. He remembered being furious with whoever thought it was a great idea to put Slytherins and Gryffindors together in the same room with volatile ingredients. His anger knew no bounds that day.

It took a half an hour of continuously dosing Hermione and Longbottom with antidote before they were able to even stop the aging process. Madam Pomfrey spent the next two weeks treating the diseases of old age that both students contracted and dosing them with more antidote. They were very lucky to be returned to their original states, more or less.

Severus always thought that Hermione looked older, more wizened, after the incident; though he didn't know if it was an after effect of the potion or the result of yet another traumatic life experience. She looked older to him than her eighteen years. She didn't look like a girl; she looked like a woman -- an intelligent woman whose eyes had seen too much and yet still retained a spark of youthful idealism.

Perhaps that, he considered, was the beginning of his fall.

Hermione stayed at Hogwarts over Christmas break to catch up on the work she missed while she recovered in the hospital wing. Severus recalled the hours they spent together in the lab; he always knew she was bright, but it was during their private tutoring sessions that he learned how gifted she truly was. It was immediately clear to him that the seventh year curriculum was far below her abilities, and he offered her an opportunity. He would give her full marks for the year if she could learn to brew Wolfsbane Potion properly. She enthusiastically took him up on the offer.

Was that the beginning? he wondered_._ Did he fall when he realized that she could be his intellectual equal?

Severus recalled taking her small hands in his own and instructing her in the precise method of chopping Asphodel that the potion required. He remembered the smell of her hair as he looked over her shoulder while she diligently worked on the complicated potion. He could still feel her body trembling as he leaned in and spoke instructions in her ear.

Miss Granger? Yes, Professor Snape.

Her eyes met his and he couldn't help himself. He accessed her thoughts and found that she wasn't trembling in fear; she was trembling because his voice and his mind stirred something in her. In that moment she didn't see him as a greasy git; she saw a man.

Hermione? Severus.

That, he was certain was the beginning. He took her face in his hands and kissed her. Gently at first, and then more forcefully…hungrily…when she responded with enthusiasm. A need -- an overwhelming need -- he hadn't felt since he was a young man, took over his body and his mind. Nothing else mattered except sharing himself with this wonderful woman who had developed right before his eyes, but he never truly saw until that moment.

He carried her to his chambers…to his bed… and completed the job that the potion accident had started. He knew what he was doing was wrong and he didn't care. He gave up his entire life to atone for his sins. He risked his life daily to serve with people who held him in open contempt. If he could find a moments peace in this girl's -- no, woman's arms, he was going to take it.

With a forceful thrust, he took her virginity and what remained of her youth. The only pleasure she experienced in their first encounter was the pleasure of knowing that he desired her, and that pained him deeply. There was so much she needed to learn about her own body and his, and he would surely teach her.

And that, Severus knew, was the beginning of the end.


	6. Chapter 5: January

****

Chapter 5 - January

January 10th

Christmas break was good and bad. It was bad because Harry and I couldn't be together. _Again_. He's so famous that people look at him everywhere he goes. It makes it very hard to have a secret rondevoo (I don't know how to spell it but it sounds so romantic! So French. Maybe after You-know-who is dead, Harry can propose to me in Paris. That would be so perfect.) It was sad not to see him everyday, but I didn't complain about it even once because a good girlfriend doesn't nag. Hopefully this is the last Christmas we'll have to spend apart.

I didn't go home this Christmas because Papa says that I'm getting too old to be a lay-about and that it's about time I did something _useful _with myself. At first this made me very sad. I must have looked a sight on the Express back to London with my puffy eyes and red face. I didn't share a compartment with Harry because I didn't want him seeing me like that. It would have ruined his Christmas if he knew how miserable I was and that he couldn't be with me to make me feel better. There was no point in both of us being miserable so I avoided him. I hope he wasn't too hurt.

Papa met me at Kings Cross and we went straight to Diagon Alley. I was very hungry and I asked if we could stop for some lunch, but Papa told me to stop nagging and said that I could stand to skip a meal or two. I suppose he's right. I should drop a stone or two before the wedding. Papa always knows what's best for me. He'll be so surprised and proud when Harry Potter asks him for my hand in marriage.

Papa thought I should start being useful right away and he took me to Eeylops Owl Emporium. He deposited me and my bags in the shop, wished me a Happy Christmas and left. Poor Papa. He must have been sad about spending Christmas alone. That's why he left in such a hurry.

In any event, there I was, standing in the middle of the shop with no idea why I was there, and the owner, Mr. Ely, was staring at me because he didn't have any idea why I was there either. Finally, Mrs. Ely comes out of the back and asks if I'm Hyacinth. When I said I was, Mr. Ely got very happy and told me to put on an apron and get to work cleaning the Owlery in the back. Mrs. Ely got very mad at him. She said, "Argus Ely! Where are your manners? This poor girl just traveled all the way from Scotland by train. She's probably hungry and tired and she hasn't even been shown her room yet! You'll carry her bags up to her room and then, after she's had a bite to eat you can put her to work. Shame on you, Argus Ely!"

I got really scared. It was the biggest nagging I had EVER seen. I thought something very bad would happen because if good girlfriends don't nag, good wives shouldn't either. I was so surprised when Mr. Ely laughed and said, "You're absolutely right, my darling." And then he apologized to me for being rude. Can you imagine! To make up for it, he took us both out to Fortesque's for an ice cream after the shop closed. It was so much fun. Almost as fun as being with Harry.

Working at Eeyolps was wonderful. I was only hired to clean up, but when Mr. Ely saw how good I was with the birds he let me do more interesting things like healing sick birds and checking over new arrivals. He taught me so many things I didn't know and told me that I was a very fast learner. He told me that he was very happy with the work I was doing with the birds. He never let me work with the customers though. He said I was one of those people who was more comfortable working with birds than people. I think he's right.

Anyway, the Ely's were very nice people. I had dinner with them every night and we talked about owls and crazy customers and all of the interesting gossip in the Tattler. Mrs. Ely even got some shears and cut my hair so it would be even again. My new hairstyle is very cute. I know Harry will love it.

Something else very surprising happened. Professor Lupin came into the shop. He works on Diagon Alley too, at Ollivander's. It took him a few seconds, but he remembered my name, which I thought was very nice. Harry must tell him about me. He and Mr. Ely were talking in very quiet voices in the back. I don't know what they said because Mr. Ely gave me something to do on the other side of the store, but I know it had something to do with the two special owls that I'm not allowed near. Only Mr. Ely is allowed to work with them. I'm not even allowed to talk about them because they're a secret. Mr. Ely is usually very nice, but he was very stern when he warned me about going near and talking about those owls.

__

Special, secret owls? Lupin has an owl. What would he want with two more? Unless…I wonder…

Severus rose abruptly from his desk and headed towards the hearth. He needed to speak to Lupin immediately. He took the Floo powder urn from the mantle and cursed. It was empty. Of course it was empty. Tonks would never leave him a means of escape. Severus paced the room like a caged animal; he had to find a way to contact the bloody werewolf. He'd need Tonks' permission, which meant he'd need a good reason. Why did he ever talk to the wolf? His potion. Lupin would need his potion next week; that would be his excuse. Now all he had to do was wait for Tonks to come crashing in for another unannounced visit. He returned to the diary.

****

January 10th (cont.)

We closed the shop a little bit early on Christmas Eve and had a party up in the Ely's flat, which is over the shop. Mrs. Ely made a splendid supper and we decorated the tree and sang Christmas carols. Mrs. Ely got a little sad when she hung a special silver ornament on the tree. She left the room crying. Mr. Ely told me that the ornament was a gift from their son who was killed a long time ago by You-know-who. I didn't tell her, but I knew how sad she felt because my boyfriend was killed by You-know-who too. I wanted to tell her that Harry Potter was my boyfriend and that he was going to kill You-know-who, but I didn't because that would be telling secrets, though Mrs. Ely seems like the kind of person you could tell secrets to. Mr. Ely went and talked to Mrs. Ely and in a few minutes she came back with a smile on her face. She was still crying, but she was smiling too. I felt very bad for Mrs. Ely.

I didn't have any money or any time to go shopping, but I wanted to get the Ely's something for Christmas so I went through my bag for some parchment and some things to make a pretty Christmas card. That's when I found my friends. They were very angry with me. All of them except Bella. They said that I left them alone on Christmas and that I was a bad friend. Annie was furious with me. She cut the back of my hand with a quill she was so mad. She was mad because she said she knew that I almost told Mrs. Ely Harry's secrets. She said that Harry would get hurt and that it would be my entire fault. Me and my big mouth. She said that she gave me the cut to remind me what happens to boyfriends when girlfriends tell secrets. She doesn't want me spending so much time with the Ely's anymore.

Mary and Suzy noticed my new hair right away and they liked it. They didn't hate Mrs. Ely like Annie did, but they wanted me to spend my time with them instead of her. Bella thought it was nice that I had a new friend. Annie hit Bella and told her that Mrs. Ely was not a friend, only my boss and that they were my only friends. Them and Harry. Bella got very quiet and didn't say anything else. Annie warned me that friends don't tell secrets and that I had better not tell Mrs. Ely that they were visiting or else.

Mary and Suzy got mad at Annie at this point. They asked her how in the world I was going to explain the ugly cut on my hand to Harry when we got back to school. They told Annie that she was scaring me and that she should stop it. Then they told me that it wouldn't be a good idea to tell anyone that I was visiting. They said that our visits would have to be a secret because our friendship was special and that other people wouldn't understand. If we wanted to keep being friends it would have to be a secret.

After that, I didn't spend much time after work with the Ely's. I went to my room after dinner and spent time with my friends. I told them all about my day at work and we talked about Harry. Annie wanted me to snoop and find out all of the secret stuff at Eeylops. I didn't feel good about it, but I did it.

At the end of the break, Mrs. Ely took me out to a fancy lunch before she took me to Kings Cross to take the train back to Hogwarts. She told me that she was worried that I spent so much time alone in my room. She said it wasn't healthy for a girl my age to spend too much time alone. Then she did the nicest thing. She whistled and the prettiest little owl you ever saw came. Mrs. Ely gave her to me and said her name was Athene. She said I should owl her anytime I want if I ever feel lonely.

__

Her madness defended itself against sanity. How bizarre.

__

It's about time. Severus tucked the diary away in his desk drawer when he heard the heavy creak of the dungeon door opening. He was surprised at the lack of calamity that followed Tonks' entrance. Now, if he played his cards right, he could get some answers from Lupin about those owls. If his hunch was correct, he might have some answers about Miss Tilly.

Tonks hadn't suddenly become more graceful. Severus looked up and found himself drawn straight into the deep brown eyes of Hermione Granger.

"You shouldn't be here," he said quietly. He wanted her to leave immediately and he wanted to take her to his bedchambers and keep her there for the rest of their lives.

"Can we talk…privately?" Hermione gestured around the room with her eyes. She wanted to know if the walls had ears before saying another word.

"I am not under constant surveillance."

"Thank goodness." Hermione climbed into his chair and knelt, straddling his lap. He sat still and unresponsive as she ran her fingers though his hair and drew his mouth to hers. Her lips and fingers expertly pressed and moved against him. Gently, but insistently, she parted his lips with her own and ran her tongue lightly over his teeth. She tasted like cinnamon and tea. He moaned into her mouth as her tongue stroked the sensitive surface at the top of his mouth.

__

Good Gods, he thought. _Did I teach her to kiss like this? _Despite himself, he felt parts of his body that were stiff with tension relax under her ministrations, and parts of his body that were previously relaxed, stiffen with desire. The part of him that wanted to forget all of his troubles and get lost in her embrace, battled with a small but persistent part of his mind that urged caution.

"Stop." He grasped her by the shoulders and put her firmly off his lap. "You have to leave right now. Tonks could be here at any moment and it wouldn't do to have you here looking like…_that_." She was beautiful when she was flushed and breathing heavy with desire.

"What do you take me for, a fool?" Hermione straightened her robes and arranged her hair with her fingers. She reached into her book bag and took out a thick volume and dropped it heavily on his desk.

"What's this?" he asked.

"This is what we're discussing if anyone walks in on us. Everyone is having lunch in the Great Hall right now. We should have at least twenty uninterrupted minutes, but in case we don't, I might have to make Remus's potion next week and I have a few questions. I think that's plausible. Don't you?"

"Yes, very plausible. That would explain your presence Miss Granger. How would you explain sitting in my lap with your tongue in my mouth?"

"Well, _Professor Snape, _you stopped breathing and I was simply reviving you," she replied with an impish grin on her face.

"Somewhat less plausible. You have to leave."

"Tonks asked me where I was between dinner and rounds last night," said Hermione. Severus sat back in his chair and stretched out his long legs. He regarded Hermione seriously.

"I know. She asked me the same question. What did you tell her?"

"I told her I was here asking you a question about my N.E.W.T.S. What did you tell her?"

"The same. They found a potion in her system. Did you know that?"

"No, I didn't." Hermione shifted uneasily in her seat. "What kind of potion?"

"I don't know. Tonks is going to bring me the autopsy report and perhaps that will have some answers."

"A potion," Hermione mused. "That doesn't look good for you, Severus."

"Neither will finding you here, " he snapped. His expression softened. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right. I know you're under a lot of stress. I hate the thought of you having to be alone in your chambers with so much going on. It has to be hard for you."

"I'm used to being alone. It's no hardship," he lied. "I will be much easier for me if you leave and please, do not come back until this is over."

"But Severus, I know a way --"

"Don't nag me, Hermione. If we're caught, no one will understand our relationship. The potion looks bad enough for me; if you can't keep our relationship a secret, I'm finished."

Even as he spoke the words, they chilled him to the bone. He didn't mean to sound as if he had no faith in her intelligence or no desire for her company. Conflicted, he watched silently as she gathered her things and left without saying another word.


	7. Chapter 6: February

****

Chapter 6 - February

****

February 2nd

It is so unfair. Hermione Granger was supposed to be embarrassed in front of the whole school when her aging potion blew up and made her and Neville Longbottom old. I thought it really worked because she hasn't been back to potions class since, but it didn't.

I heard Harry and Ron talking about Hermione before class started. They feel sorry for Hermione because she is working on a special potions project with Professor Snape. Even though she blew up her aging potion, Professor Snape thinks she's too smart for 7th year potions and is teaching her advanced things privately. Hermione gets to go to the library and do her homework during potions class because the private teaching cuts into her homework time. Harry and Ron feel sorry for her because she has to spend so much time alone with Snape.

They have a point. Maybe that's even better revenge than embarrassing her.

__

Oh, I was 'teaching her advanced things privately' all right.

Hermione mastered brewing the Wolfsbane potion more quickly than he ever dreamed possible, which left them with two hours between dinner and rounds every night to spend as they pleased. It occurred to him that he could teach her to brew any one of a hundred useful and complicated potions, but instead he chose to bewitch her mind and ensnare her senses in an entirely different way.

He had expected Hermione to take to sex with the same confidence and enthusiasm that she displayed in the classroom, and was disappointed and frustrated when he discovered that this was not the case. Hermione was a mass of shame and insecurity when it came to her own body. The girl, who bounced in her seat and waved her hand furiously for an opportunity to demonstrate her mental gifts, undressed in the dark and wouldn't remove her under things until she was securely beneath the blankets of his bed.

He was tolerant of her insecurities at first, thinking she just needed time to become more comfortable with him. But as the weeks passed her initial shyness became a routine that frustrated them both. He had yet to see her body and she had never experienced the full pleasure that their union should have brought her. Weary of waiting for her to come around on her own, Severus decided to take matters into his own hands, so to speak. A small smile crossed his lips as he remembered the night when she finally experienced her first orgasm.

"Nox"

"Lumos. The lights stay on, Hermione." Severus removed his outer robe and sat on the bed in his white shirt and trousers. "Come here."

She stood in front of him, dressed in her school uniform -- a sight that simultaneously excited and shamed him. He felt her body stiffen beneath his hands as he removed her outer robe and tie. His deft fingers made short work of the buttons of her blouse and the clasp of her bra. Red-faced with embarrassment, her bottom lip quivered and she crossed her arms over her naked breasts. Severus gently, but firmly, placed her arms back at her sides.

"They're too small," she whispered.

"They're perfect." He reached out and drew her to him, taking each rosy nipple into his mouth and laving it to a firm point. Slowly, she relaxed. She gasped with pleasure as he encompassed each of her breasts in his large hands and caressed them with a gentle touch that stood in stark contrast to his harsh nature. "So perfect. So beautiful."

A tiny moan of protest escaped her lips as he undid the fasteners of her skirt and let it fall to the ground. Seeing her clad only in her white cotton knickers, knee socks and loafers was an uncomfortable reminder to him that she was indeed a student and that what they were doing was inappropriate. He could have stopped then…should have stopped then, but instead pulled her down on top of him and kissed her deeply. He rolled over so she laid on his bed and quickly removed her remaining clothing. Now naked before him, she wasn't a student; she was his lover, his intellectual equal and his comfort. He wanted to please her.

Her tiny moans of protest slowly became uninhibited cries of pleasure as he showered kisses along her jaw and neck. She squealed with delight when his kisses became more urgent and moved down to her breasts and belly. Her breathing hitched when she could feel his breath on the silky curls of her sex. Startled, Hermione attempted to close her legs when the destination of his questing mouth became clear but Severus would have none of it. He parted her thighs and ran his tongue lightly along her cleft.

"Doesn't that taste bad?" she whimpered. With difficulty, he moved her thighs further apart, opening her to him. He nuzzled her clit with his nose drove his tongue deep inside her.

"Sweet…like honey," he mumbled into her center. "Hot."

Seemingly reassured, he felt her body begin to relax under his persistent ministrations. He traced intricate patterns on her clit with his tongue as he stroked her core with long, practiced fingers. Before long her hips began to move with the involuntary thrusts of her building pleasure.

Severus quickly worked the buttons of his trousers and freed his straining cock. Still fully clothed, he drove into her naked body. Her excitement made her body even tighter than it had been when he took her virginity. A woman never felt this good to him before. She was made for him. Her tight, inexperienced body gripped him like a glove as his carefully controlled thrusts became faster and more forceful.

"Open your eyes, Hermione. Look at me." She looked up at him, shyly at first, and they wide-eyed with astonishment as his movements pushed her to higher levels of excitement than she had ever experienced before. She struggled to keep them open as she lost herself in the sensations he was creating.

Her eyes slipped shut and she cried out with surprise as waves of pleasure coursed through her body for the first time. And Severus lost himself completely when her body pulsed around his. It was more than he could take. With a cry of triumph and satisfaction, he spilled into her. He remained sheathed inside her as her body squeezed the last drop of his free will from him. When nothing remained, he rolled off of her and fell back heavily into the bed. Both smiling broadly, their eyes met again.

"So _that's _what everyone is talking about!" Hermione's eyes shone with delight and discovery. Severus looked upon her and felt the stirring of an emotion that he couldn't readily identify. It wasn't love or respect, but rather something in-between…or maybe a combination of the two. Her expression moved him in a way he had never been moved before.

Later that evening, after Hermione left and he was alone with his thoughts, he tried his hand at a spell, which to his shame, he had never been able to cast successfully. He focused on the mental image of Hermione's face, her mouth open with pleasure as she moved her body under his. He heard his name on her lips as she called out at the peak of her excitement.

__

EXPECTO PATRONUM!

And there it was. It wasn't something sinister or evil, as he expected it would be. It was beautiful. A silver falcon glided gracefully around his chambers. He watched in awe for what seemed like hours, as the tangible evidence of his happiness flew in lazy circles through his rooms, before evaporating into a silver mist. Any doubts he had about his relationship with Hermione evaporated with it.

Severus sighed deeply as he recalled that evening. It was one of his most cherished memories.

__

And the first memory the Dementors will suck from my mind if I don't concentrate.

****

February 14th

Hyacinth Potter

Mrs. Harry Potter

Hyacinth Tilly Potter

Mr. and Mrs. Harry Potter

Harry and Hyacinth Potter

I can't decide which one I like best. We have to be apart for this Valentine's Day, but maybe we can do something very special for the next one. Something like get married.

I'll be spending this Valentine's Day with my friends, along with Athene and Hedwig. It's a shame Athene and Hedwig and both girls. It would be so cute if our owls were a couple, just like Harry and me. I hope Bella comes to the Owlery. I think she's afraid of Annie and I only get to talk to her when the other girls are asleep.

We'll probably do some wedding planning tonight. After that Annie wants to think of something else to do to Hermione Granger, but everyone is getting bored with that. After Harry and I are married we won't see that much of her anyway. I've got better things to think about.

More good news! Mrs. Ely owled me and let me know that I can work at the Owl Emporium over Easter break if I want to. Do I want to? Is she kidding? It's the only thing that makes being apart from Harry bearable. I sure wish he would hurry up and kill You-Know-Who so we can be together. He has to kill him before the end of the school year so he can kiss me in front of the whole school. Oops. Sorry. That was a nag. I shouldn't have written that.

I can wait as long as it takes.

__

She's spending more time with Annie and less time with Bella. That doesn't bode well. Still, her focus is moving away from Hermione and her obsession with Potter is exceeding all bounds. No reason yet why she attacked Hermione, no reason why Dumbledore gave this diary to me, and still nothing more than a hunch why the Petrificus Totalus killed her. I have GOT to talk to Lupin. Where to hell is Tonks when you need her?

She spent Valentine's Day in the Owlery with her "friends" planning her wedding. Severus wondered how that information could help him. A sudden realization hit him and his eyes went wide with apprehension.

__

Good Gods, no!

He tore into her next diary entry.

****

February 15th

Oh my God! Oh my God! It. Was. So. Gross.

Last night I was in the Owlery planning my wedding and Hermione Granger came in. My friends and I knew we should do something but we couldn't come up with a plan fast enough so we just hid. I know all of the best hiding spots in the Owlery.

Anyway, she didn't post a letter or play with an owl or anything. She just stood there, looking out the window. Then Professor Snape walked in. I was kind of happy about that because I thought she was going to get in trouble. He asked her if they were alone and when she said yes, HE KISSED HER! And it wasn't just a peck on the cheek either; their mouths were open and they used tongues and his hands were in her hair and on her bum. And what's even worse, SHE LIKED IT. I always knew there was something wrong with Hermione Granger, but I never in a million years thought she would snog an old greasy git like Snape. She's disgusting.

Then they started talking. He said that Valentine's Day was his favorite holiday because he got to deduct so many house points. He said that he had already deducted fifty points from Gryffindor and thirty points from Ravenclaw after catching couples snogging. Hermione said that she should deduct points from Slytherin because the head of house was snogging the head girl in the Owlery. He said that he would deduct an equal amount of points from Gryffindor because the head girl was snogging the head of Slytherin. They both laughed about it. Snape laughed. He really laughed. I honestly didn't think her was capable of such a thing.

Snogging a teacher is bad, but what Granger did next was even worse. She told one of Harry's secrets to Snape. Professor Snape told Hermione that if they were going to be able to continue meeting after supper they would have to start doing some actual work again. (What have they been doing I wonder?) He said that maybe it would be a good idea to work on Polyjuice potion next. Granger laughed at him and he asked her what was so funny. That's when she told a secret.

She told Professor Snape that she, Harry and Ron brewed Polyjuice in the girl's bathroom when they were only second years. Professor Snape pretended to look shocked and said that he should have the lot of them expelled. Then he asked her how it turned out and a lot of other blah, blah, blah, potions talk.

Everybody knows that Snape has it in for my Harry. And now Hermione is snogging Snape and telling him Harry's secrets. Hermione Granger is not Harry's friend. She has Harry fooled. He'll never believe me unless I have proof. So I'll have to get him proof or take care of Granger myself.

__

She knew about Hermione and me. Oh, dear Gods. That's why Albus didn't give the diary to the Aurors. Albus knows then too. I'm done for.

A crash at the door of his chambers alerted him that Tonks had finally arrived. He tucked the diary away and opened another book.

"Wotcher, Severus." Tonks dropped herself ungraciously into the seat in front of his desk and tossed a roll of parchment to him. "I have those autopsy reports for you. I'm sure they'll make for entertaining reading. They don't say much more than I've already told you."

"Thank you. Hopefully I'll find something that your examiner overlooked. But, first things first. I need to see Lupin." He looked at Tonks expectantly.

"No. That's not possible."

"Tonks, he has to start taking Wolfsbane potion next week and I need to examine him to see if the refinements I made worked properly." He lied well. Tonks did not show any outward sign that she doubted him.

"He's going to have to find another potions master. It would be highly improper for you to receive guests in your present circumstances, even if it is only Remus. Sorry Sev." Severus anticipated that she would make things difficult and played his trump card.

"I understand. I'll forward his specific formulation to whomever he chooses. I hope he finds someone good, and soon. Imagine what would happen to Rosemary and the baby if his potion is not brewed properly." Severus returned to his reading as if it were of no consequence to him if he saw Lupin or not. Tonks sighed deeply and quickly banished the image of Lupin's family shredded into bloody ribbons from her mind.

"Fine. But keep it short. Here's some Floo powder. Enough for a call, not enough to Floo out of here. I'm trusting you, Severus."

"Thank you." He strode over to the hearth, threw in a handful of powder and stuck his head in. "Lupin. _LUPIN_."

"I'm right here, Severus. Keep your shorts on. What can I do for you?"

"You need to come to my chambers, now."

"I do?" Remus blinked with surprise.

"Yes, you do," said Severus impatiently. He gave Lupin a look that he hoped conveyed his need for the werewolf to stop asking questions and just comply.

"Rosemary stepped out. I'll have to bring the baby with me," said Remus.

"Fine. Do whatever you need to do. Just come now," Severus snarled.

"Give me a few moments." Severus stood impatiently by the hearth and, as promised, Lupin emerged a few moments later with a baby in tow. "What is so bloody important --"

Severus quieted the werewolf with a stern look and motioned to Tonks with his eyes.

"Tonks. Hello." Remus looked to Severus with confusion.

"You brought the baby!" Tonks covered the distance between herself and Remus in a heartbeat and began entertaining the baby by making funny noses.

"Perhaps you could take Annabelle into the next room so Remus and I can have some privacy," said Severus. Tonks quickly regained her professional demeanor.

"I said you could see him. I didn't say you could have an unsupervised visit."

"I have to examine him to see if the new formulation had any ill effects," said Severus. "I'm sure Lupin won't mind if you observe. Strip down to your shorts, Lupin."

"I _beg_ your pardon," said Remus, beginning to lose his sense of humor with the ruse.

"I think I'll just take Annabelle into the next room," said Tonks. Her face was nearly as pink as her hair.

"Sit down, Lupin," said Severus when he heard the door shut, giving them privacy. "How far does this new 'getting along' thing between us go?"

"Not far enough to get me to strip down to my shorts. Do you want to tell me what in Merlin's name going on here?"

"I killed a student."

"You _what?_" Remus's eyes went wide with astonishment.

"I accidentally killed a student." Severus repeated wearily.

"_Who_? _How_?"

"Her name was Hyacinth Tilly. I restrained her from injuring another student with a Petrificus Totalus and she dropped dead. No one knows why."

"Hyacinth Tilly," Remus searched his mind. "The bird girl?"

"Do you remember all of your students?" Severus asked with annoyance.

"Yes. Don't you? Why am I here Severus? What does any of this have to do with me?"

"She mentioned you in her diary." Severus opened Miss Tilly's diary to the appropriate entry and handed it to Remus, who read it with interest.

"Yes, I remember that day. I picked up two untraceable owls from Ely for the Order," said Remus.

"That's what I thought it might be," Severus said with satisfaction. "How do those owls work?"

"I'm not sure of all of the details. Ely alters them somehow and when you cast a simple disillusionment charm on them, it renders them absolutely invisible and untraceable. You can't see them, smell them or hear them. The only way to detect them is to actually touch them."

"How does he alter them?" asked Severus.

"I don't know, but I can find out. How do you think the owls are connected to Miss Tilly's death?"

"I don't want to speculate until I learn more. Can you get back to me this afternoon? I don't have much time. They found a potion in Miss Tilly's system, which looks highly incriminating for me. I'll probably be sent to Azkaban this evening if no evidence is found that conclusively clears me."

"I'll get back to you within the hour," said Remus.

"Lupin, I didn't mean to kill her."

"I know you didn't, Severus. I know."

Severus watched with apprehension as Lupin collected his child from Tonks and said his goodbyes.

"I'll be in touch soon," said Lupin as he stepped into the hearth.


	8. Chapter 7: March

Chapter 7 - March  
  
March 10th  
  
Hermione Granger is a very bad secret keeper. She can't even keep her own secrets. I know lots of her secrets just by watching her. I know Professor Snape is her boyfriend because I saw them kiss on Valentines Day and I know that they're not doing potions in her private potions class because she acts sneaky before she goes to the Dungeons. She wouldn't be sneaky if she was doing what she was supposed to be doing. Nobody else notices that she is being sneaky, but I do because I pay attention. I have to pay attention to her to keep my Harry safe.  
  
She thinks she is being so clever when she wears her outer robes all closed up before she leaves. She usually wears them open over her uniform like everyone else, but before she goes to private potions she wears them closed. I think it's because she's wearing special pretty clothes for her boyfriend and doesn't want anyone else to see them.  
  
No one else notices that she has been taking the exact same books and parchments with her for weeks. If she were really working on potions, her stack of parchments would have looked like someone cast a swelling spell on it and she would have new books to read by now. No one notices that she doesn't have any new work done but me and I'm the only one who knows the reason why. She isn't doing potions in the dungeons with Professor Snape. She's kissing him. Kissing him and telling him Harry's secrets.  
  
I know she is telling Snape Harry's secrets because I watch her in potions class. Hermione's been coming to potions class again since we started reviewing for NEWTs. We were reviewing Polyjuice potion and Professor Snape asked Harry a question that he couldn't answer. Snape told Harry that he was surprised that someone with his _experience_ would get a question like that wrong. Harry looked a little confused and a little guilty, but Hermione got all pinch faced, like she sucked on a lemon. She was so mad she didn't even wave her hand in the air to answer the question. No one else knew that what happened was important, but I knew.  
  
I knew that Professor Snape was making fun of Harry, because he knew one of Harry's secrets. He was probably trying to make Harry feel scared. Maybe scared enough to talk to Hermione and tell her more secrets so she could tell Snape. You have to be very careful with Slytherins. They are very sneaky, mean people.  
  
I was hoping Harry would figure out that Snape knew one of his secrets because someone was telling him. I don't think a lot of people know that Harry, Ron and Hermione brewed Polyjuice potion in our second year. I was hoping Harry would figure out that Hermione told Snape, but he didn't seem to. I'm so disappointed. Sometimes boys aren't good at figuring things out. That's why they have girlfriends to look out for them. I'll always look out for Harry.  
  
I can't warn Harry yet. Harry thinks Hermione is his friend and he won't believe that Hermione is telling his secrets to Snape unless I can prove it. He's very sweet that way. I have to find out what else she is telling Professor Snape when she goes to the dungeons. But how?   
  
_Oh dear gods. How could we...how could I… have been so careless?_  
  
Severus rubbed his forehead and groaned with guilt and frustration. He had asked her to wear her street clothes when she came to the dungeons. She objected at first, correctly pointing out that it would seem odd to the other students - that it would arouse suspicion. But he insisted. He instructed her to close her robes and no one would be the wiser.  
  
_No one, indeed._  
  
She was right. He knew she was right as soon as she spoke her objection, but he insisted just the same. Students wore school uniforms, and Severus Snape did not sleep with students.  
  
Over the years there had been talk about the occasional Professor who had taken advantage of his position to seduce some bright young girl. Such talk was usually followed by an announcement that the errant professor had regretfully submitted his resignation to accept a lucrative position in the private sector. The young woman, if a seventh year, was pushed along to end of term, where she would receive no honors. If a sixth year, a plausible story was constructed to explain the girl's abrupt transfer to another school. The chances of being discovered were substantial and the penalties for both the faculty member and the student were harsh. It was an insane risk to take for the questionable pleasures of an inexperienced girl.  
  
_An insane risk._  
  
A flicker of realization formed in his mind and was quickly squelched. Hermione was different; anyone with any sense could see that. She was far brighter than any student he had ever taught, and probably brighter than half of the faculty. She was his intellectual equal. She had met the enemy in battle and outwitted him. She had faced death. She had experienced loss and she had experienced...  
  
_Love?_  
  
No, Severus reassured himself; Hermione was not simply a student and their relationship was not merely a tawdry faculty/student tryst. Hermione was a woman. Perhaps the only woman who would ever be capable of understanding him. She was worth the risk to his reputation and his career.  
  
_Am I worth the risk to her reputation and her future?_  
  
Severus closed his eyes and drew a deep breath. The question came to him unbidden and the answer that immediately came to his mind disturbed him. He wondered if she was even aware of the penalties she would face if their relationship were discovered. He was sure he never told her. It wasn't a topic that was addressed in Hogwarts, a History. Did she know that she was risking all of the recognition and the honors she earned when she came to him? If she did know, would she think that a shag with a middle aged professor with the life expectancy of a flea was worth risking her bright future?  
  
He rather suspected she would. She loved him. She told him so, and he was a Legilimens so he would know if she was lying. She loved him. Hermione Granger, the brightest witch in a century, loved Severus Snape…Snivellus…the greasy git.  
  
Frustrated, Severus ran his hand through his hair and snorted with disgust. They were right; it really was greasy. His nose was a beak, his body was nothing remarkable, he had no wealth to speak of, and his temperament -- oh yes, and his disposition could never be called warm or kind. On the contrary, to his shame, he recalled being quite cruel to Hermione when she was younger. He remembered her anger and tears when he casually remarked that he could see no difference in her appearance after one Slytherin or another enlarged her teeth to an alarming size.  
  
Severus sat up straighter in his chair. True, he wasn't handsome or rich, but he had something rare and valuable to offer…an exceptional mind. It was not a quality that an unsophisticated person would recognize or value, but Hermione was kindred. She not only recognized his intellectual advantages, she loved him for them. She told him so. And what's more, she told him she loved him for his courage. She admired him for bearing a mark for which most others would hate him.  
  
Hermione valued courage and intelligence, while other girls her age swooned over handsome faces and prowess on the Quidditch pitch. Hermione had a woman's sensibilities. More than just a woman's sensibilities, she had an exceptional woman's sensibilities. Hermione was an exceptional woman.  
  
She had to be, Severus considered, because if she were merely a bright student then he was nothing more than a pervy old professor who dipped his quill in a forbidden inkwell. An old fool, worthy of nothing more than ridicule. Severus Snape was many things, but not a fool.  
  
Resolved, Severus drew a determined breath and returned to the business of saving his own life.  
  
**March 28th  
  
Daddy didn't meet me at the station today, Mrs. Ely did. She was very nice. When she saw me she said that my hair was growing in nicely. She even said she would tidy it up a bit over the break. We had lunch at the Leaky Cauldron before we went to the shop and Mr. Ely took us all out for ice cream at Florean Fortesque's again. I had the most wonderful chocolate sundae with nuts and marshmallows.  
  
At lunch, Mrs. Ely talked to me about spending so much time in my room. She said the same thing she said at Christmas Holiday. She said that it wasn't healthy for a girl my age to spend so much time alone. She said she was going to make sure that she kept me busy doing things that a girl my age should be doing. I know she thinks she was being nice, but she doesn't understand that I'm not alone. I'm never alone. I have secret friends.  
  
My friends came with me again. Bella was so happy that Mrs. Ely was _taking an interest_ in me. She thought that it was very nice that I had a friend who didn't have to be a secret. She thought it was lovely that Mrs. Ely wanted to take me out to do interesting things. Bella said it would take my mind off of Harry and give me interesting things to tell him when we are together and we don't have to be a secret anymore. Bella is sweet. I would_ never_ say this in front of the others, but I think she is my best friend.  
  
Mary and Suzy didn't care about Mrs. Ely one way or another until she said she was going to tidy up my hair. Then they got very interested. Mary and Suzy said that a good girlfriend looks nice for her boyfriend so he'll want to kiss her. They were a little cross with me for eating the ice cream sundae because they think I should be slimming.  
  
Annie was flouncing all day. She said she was _irked _because I was paying more attention to Mrs. Ely than I was to her. She was really very difficult. She threw a wobbler and said that I wasn't showing her the respect that a Best New Friend was entitled to. Annie said that Mrs. Ely was trying to take me away from her because she was jealous.  
  
Bella tried to explain to Annie that Mrs. Ely couldn't be jealous of her because she didn't even know her, but that didn't make a bit of difference to Annie. Annie got very angry with Bella and started yelling at her that she was jealous of her too, because she was the Best New Friend. Annie started yelling that she was the Best New Friend because she was the one who could protect Harry. She was the one who knew exactly what Granger and Snape were like and that everyone else was wrong about them. She said she was the smartest and the bravest friend.  
  
She didn't calm down about it until Mary and Suzy started hugging her and telling her she was the best friend ever. Bella didn't tell Annie that she was the best at anything and now Annie isn't talking to her anymore. Mary and Suzy aren't talking to Bella either because they don't want Annie to be angry with them. I still talk to Bella, but only when Annie isn't looking because I don't want Annie to be angry with me too.  
  
Bella went to bed early and the rest of us talked about Harry. Annie decided that we were going to spend the spring holidays finding a way to protect Harry once and for all. And she said that Mrs. Ely had better stay out of it if she knows what's good for her.**  
  
Severus rubbed his temples. Miss Tilly and her maniacal menagerie of imaginary friends were wearing him out. They simultaneously frustrated and fascinated him. Mary and Suzy he dismissed immediately as sycophants. Mindless supporters of whatever personality currently held Best New Friend status. Even if that personality, Annie, was making no sense whatsoever.  
  
_No, that's not quite right._  
  
Looking back over the diary entry, Severus saw that Annie proclaimed herself Best New Friend, however, Miss Tilly actually bestowed that title on Bella. He growled in frustration. He was only hours away from being sent to Azkaban and here he sat trying to decide which imaginary girl was really Miss Tilly's best friend.  
  
_What bloody difference does it make? I don't need to know why she tried to kill. I need to know why she died. _  
  
Severus flung the diary aside and turned his attention to the autopsy reports Tonks brought him. Empirical evidence. Solid, tangible facts. This was what his mind craved. Observable, measurable, scientific evidence. Not the nonsensical ramblings of a disturbed teenager and her imaginary friends.  
  
Her death was a result of a sudden and complete failure of every system in her body. It happened immediately after he cast the _Petrificus Totalus_, and she had the partially metabolized remains of a potion in her body.  
  
_Hellebore. _  
  
Severus steepled his hands, deep in thought. How very odd it was that Hellebore, the essence of which was the main component of the Draft of Peace, would be found in the system of a person killed in the act of attempting to commit murder. It didn't make sense.  
  
_Did she take the potion herself, he wondered, or did someone give it to her?_  
  
Hellebore was a difficult ingredient to work with. Miss Tilly did not possess the skill to brew a potion with it. Only a few people in the castle did: himself, Albus, perhaps Minerva …_and Hermione._  
  
Severus shook his head and cleared it of his uncomfortable suspicions. It didn't matter anyway. The potion couldn't have played a part in her death. No one ever died from ingesting a Draft of Peace. He resigned him self to the fact that his answers were not to be found in the autopsy report. Albus wouldn't have given him the diary unless it had his answers. He picked it up once again and continued to read.  
  
**March 30th  
  
Bella is gone. She left without even saying goodbye.  
  
This isn't like when Annie leaves. Annie leaves all the time. She gets angry if anyone disagrees with her, makes a big dramatic announcement, and then doesn't talk to anyone until Mary and Suzy tell her how great she is and beg her to stay. But Bella didn't do that. She just left.  
  
I think it's because she didn't like what Annie wanted to do about the secrets. Mr. Ely has a big secret. Professor Lupin came in the other day and talked real quiet to Mr. Ely. Professor Lupin even gave him a whole bag full of galleons but he didn't leave with any owls. Mr. Ely locked himself up in the backest back room all day and no one was allowed to bother him. He was doing something secret.  
  
Professor Lupin came back the next day just before closing time and talked to Mr. Ely real quiet. When he left, he took two owls with him.  
  
Anyway, Annie wanted to sneak down to the Owlery and look around to find out what Mr. Ely's secret was. Bella said no. She said that the Mr. Ely was a friend and that friends don't spy to find secrets. Annie said that the Ely's, especially Mrs. Ely, were not our friends. Mary and Suzy said that that rule only counts for boyfriends anyway.  
  
Bella said they were all wrong and there was a big fight. Annie was very mean to Bella. She told her that she was stupid. Annie thinks she's a big expert in everything. Now Bella is gone and Annie is going to find out what Mr. Ely's big secret with Professor Lupin is, and there isn't anything I can do about it. **  
  
_Lupin…the invisible owls…the Order…the Easter holidays…_  
  
It ate at Severus. There was something -- a detail just outside the reach of his memory -- that connected these things to Miss Tilly and her death. A detail that seemed insignificant at the time. Unimportant. The only reason he paid any heed at all was because…because…  
  
_Lupin fucked up. _  
  
Yes! That was it. The ever wise and perfect Lupin really screwed the pooch. He did something wrong with the owls and a mission was delayed for two days as a result. But what?  
  
Severus paced the room and in his mind's eye he replayed the entire meeting. Called to order -- announcement of the delay -- explanations demanded -- distraught apology from Lupin -- Lupin reassured that it wasn't that bad. It could have happened to anyone -- promises from Lupin that replacement owls would be ready shortly and that he wouldn't make the same mistake twice.  
  
_I'm missing something here. Miss Tilly…Lupin…the owls. What am I missing? The Order had two invisible owls; Lupin did something stupid, something that clearly distressed him, and two replacement owls were needed. Replacement owls. The Order needed to replace the invisible owls because…_  
  
Severus stopped breathing and his eyes went wide with the sudden realization of what Lupin could have done. Perhaps the werewolf had accidentally injured or killed the owls. That had to be it. Only something like that would have shaken Lupin's composure so badly. Lupin was skilled in the care of animals and not prone to fits of temper. What ever he did to those owls was either incredibly stupid or should not have hurt them. Just as the _Petrificus Totalus _should not have killed Miss Tilly. He had to speak to Lupin.  
  
Severus glanced at the clock. Lupin has assured him he would be back within the hour, and an hour and a half had already passed. Damn it! Where was he? Severus hoped against all hope that Remus would return with the answers he needed before Tonks arrived to take him to Azkaban.


	9. Chapter 8: April

**Chapter 8: April**

**April 3rd**

**I don't think Mr. Ely really need my help this time. The shop's not busy like it was over the Christmas holidays. It's really very quiet. Mostly I just clean up and take care of the sick and baby owls. Eelops has never been so clean and the owls so happy. Mr. Ely said how good I am with the owls over and over again. He taught me some new healing spells for the birds and I even taught him one! That was great. He said I deserved an extra galleon in my pay for that. I felt so smart!**

**I saw Professor Lupin again. At first I thought there was something wrong with him, and to be honest I still do. He came in at closing time and when he shrugged off his cloak he was holding his arms out like he was carrying something, but he wasn't, but he was. What I mean is that he was carrying something that was _invisible _and that something was two owls. Mr. Ely locked the door of the shop and turned the sign to say that we were closed. He rushed Professor Lupin into the back and told me to go upstairs. He didn't say it nice like he usually does. He said it like he really meant business.**

**I knew that the invisible things that Professor Lupin was carrying were owls because I'm smart and can figure things out. The next day when I went down to work there were two brand new owls and they were very sick. Mr. Ely was in a very bad mood and was saying some not so nice things about Professor Lupin. He was saying things like "When I say no magic, I mean no magic." and something about Professor Lupin being in a hurry and "These things can't be rushed."**

**Anyway, it was a very interesting day because Mrs. Ely took care of the customers and Mr. Ely had to do some _very important work _in the back room, so it was my job to take care of the sick owls. Mr. Ely said I was not allowed to use my wand or any spells. I had to take care of them with special potions and just extra special care. When I saw the owls knew why Mr. Ely was mad at Professor Lupin. The owls were sick like someone hexed them bad. Why would Professor Lupin hex owls? He seemed like such a nice man at school and he is a friend of Harry's. Harry should know that Professor Lupin is strange so he can look out for him.**

**Mr. Ely got angry with me when I saw him doing his secret work. I had a question about one of the owls and I opened the door to the backest back room and Mr. Ely called me a foolish girl and told me to get out and close the door behind me. He sounded a lot like Professor Snape, which is interesting because he was making a _potion_. **

**That night was very sad. One of the invisible owls that Professor Lupin brought back died. Professor Lupin came to the store the next day and Mr. Ely was very cross with him. He talked to him in the back room but I could hear most of what they said because Mr. Ely was having trouble keeping his voice down. He told Professor Lupin that after these two there would be no more owls. He told him one disillusionment charm and then no more magic. Professor Lupin kept apologizing and saying that it was an accident but Mr. Ely didn't care. Mr. Ely said something else that I didn't quite hear and Professor Lupin walked out with a reddish angry face, but he also walked out with two more owls.**

**Later that night, me and my friends talked. We're very worried that Professor Lupin could be a danger to Harry. Annie said again that she wanted to sneak into the backest back room to see what Mr. Ely's secret is, but Bella said that we shouldn't because that would be wrong. Annie had a tremendous wobbler when Bella said no and told me, and Mary and Suzy that we had to decide who the Best New Friend really was, and that it had better be her because she's the only one who knows what Professor Snape and Hermione are really like and she can protect Harry. She said that Bella is a coward and that Harry would be better off if she would just go away.**

Severus had no time for the squabbling of imaginary girls. He was interested in the potion. He was so close to an answer he could taste it.

_Potion…invisible owls…hellebore…one charm only…_

Severus chanted the clues over and over again in his mind, changing their order, hoping that something would trip a memory. He was certain that he had all of the pieces of the puzzle. If he could just fit them together he would have his answer.

_One charm only…invisible…potion…hellebore…_

_INVISIBILITY POTION … HELLEBORE! _

Severus rushed to his laboratory and stood before a cabinet of various sized cauldrons. On the third highest shelf, out of the easy reach of the younger students, was a small pewter cauldron with a scorched bottom. He slid the unobtrusive little cauldron to the side and the cabinet swung silently inward.

Severus stepped into the small windowless antechamber. The Aurors hadn't been here, that much was certain. If they'd discovered this room he would have been sent to Azkaban immediately, facing much more than murder charges. This was his private library, filled with recipes for potions that could enslave the mind and agonize the senses. Long forgotten brews, outlawed centuries ago because they were too horrible or unpredictable, were meticulously archived here. He walked over to a section of particularly ancient texts and ran a long finger along the spines of the books.

_Immortality… Insanity…Invisibility!_

Severus poured over the invisibility potion's ingredients and, as expected, found that hellebore was a principle component. Powdered hellebore specifically. His well-ordered mind clicked though the properties of the herb. _Thought to be poisonous and a purgative, only legal use is as a component of the Draught of Peace, systemic effect…_

_Fascinating_

The potion itself was not difficult to brew, he discovered as he read on. Indeed, any competent fifth year should have no trouble with it. Administering the potion wasn't even particularly complicated. The brewing process yielded a white, tasteless powder that could be dissolved in any liquid -- four drams per stone of body weight. No, what made this potion fascinating was that it was a catalyst. Once taken, the potion lay dormant in the recipient's system until activated by a basic disillusionment charm. Child's play. A simple potion and a simple charm combined to render a person absolutely invisible.

_A very useful potion one would think. Why is it illegal? And why isn't it used by people who care little for legalities?_

Severus raised an eyebrow when he came to the section of the text that discussed the antidote to the potion. There was none -- none save time. Once activated, the minor ingredients of the potion were quickly metabolized and the effects would begin to fade within two to three hours, depending on body chemistry, leaving only the hellebore, which metabolized much more slowly.

_So that's why the owls could only be used for local communications._

Severus set the book back in its place and returned to his chambers. He had learned all he could from it and it wouldn't do to have Tonks or Lupin discover his private library. He sat heavily at his desk and carefully considered the facts before him. When one's life hung in the balance it was wise not to jump to conclusions.

_Miss Tilly was killed when I cast a simple Petrificus Totalus_

_The autopsy showed that Miss Tilly had hellebore in her system at the time of her death._

_Hellebore is an ingredient in the draft of peace and an illegal invisibility potion._

_Miss Tilly was in the act of committing murder. Draft of Peace unlikely._

_Miss Tilly likely had access to the aforementioned invisibility potion at her place of employment._

_Lupin killed an owl that had ingested the same potion._

_Lupin is skilled in the handling of animals and would never intentionally harm one._

_I don't know how Lupin killed the owl, or why Miss Tilly would want to be invisible._

"Where is that bloody werewolf?" Severus growled out in frustration. The solution was within his grasp, all he needed was one simple bit of information for Lupin. But Lupin was nowhere to be found. He strode over to the hearth to fire call the wand shop. Ollivander would know where to find him.

_ I Fuck! No floo powder. /I _

Severus paced the room like a caged animal, cursing the limitations placed on him, but only for a moment. As his time grew short he found himself loath to waste a moment of it. Lupin would show or he wouldn't; there was nothing to be done for it. Rather than curse what he lacked, he turned his attention to the resource at hand.

**April 15th **

**There's something wrong with Bella. She just sits and stares and never talks. Something terrible has happened to her and I don't know what to do. Annie says that no one can help Bella and that we have to concentrate on helping Harry. I know she's right, but I still miss Bella.**

Severus stared at the page for a full minute. Bella, the sane one, the voice of reason, was silent. How? Why? Filled with a strange sense of foreboding, he continued to read.

**April 20th**

**Hermione Granger is crazy. Not just a little bit crazy either. She's totally, around the bend insane. I know this because I watch her and I know things about her that no one else does. Not even Harry. I've been watching her since school started again to make sure she doesn't tell any more of Harry's secrets. She's easy to watch because she only eats and studies and nags Harry and Ron to study. At first I watched her everywhere except for private potions with Professor Snape. She goes there every night after supper, but she doesn't do potions. She tells Professor Snape Harry's secrets. She tells that sneaky Slytherin Harry's secrets because she's his girlfriend.**

**Harry doesn't know that Hermione Granger is Professor Snape's girlfriend. If he did, he wouldn't tell her any secrets. Annie said that we were running out of time to get proof to show Harry. Once school is over we won't be able to watch Granger anymore. She said that we need to start watching her during private potions. Mary, Suzy and I thought that she'd gone mad. How were we going to sneak into the dungeons and not get caught? Then she told us that she had a secret way to make us invisible.**

**Last night after dinner, I went to the owlery as usual and Annie told me to cast a disillusionment charm on myself and when I did I was INVISIBLE. Totally INVISIBLE! I wanted to go everywhere in the school and see what people did when no one was looking, but Annie told me to pay attention. She said that I needed to be outside Professor Snape's door before Granger got there so I could sneak in when she went in. She told me that I would only be invisible for three hours so I had to be back in the owlery before the potion wore off. She said potion and that confused me because I used a spell. She told me to stop asking questions and get moving. **

**My heart was beating out of my chest when I was standing outside of Professor Snape's door waiting for Granger. I couldn't believe that she couldn't hear it when she finally showed up. She said his password -- Joseph -- and put her hand on the door. The door swung open and I sneaked in behind her. **

**She didn't go to his room right away. She took off her outer robes and her shoes and socks and put them in her book bag. She wasn't wearing her school uniform under her robes, she was wearing Hogsmeade clothes. I hurried up to get by the doors of Professor Snape's rooms before she got there so I could sneak in there too.**

**Nothing happened at first. Professor Snape kissed her hello and they drank tea and talked in front of the fire. I didn't understand a lot of what they are saying but I listened real hard to see if Harry's name came up. It didn't. I was starting to get really bored and wishing she would just leave already, and then she got up and I was relieved. But she didn't leave. She went over and sat on his lap.**

**They kissed and kissed and kissed with open mouths and tongues, and then Professor Snape put his hand under her blouse and started rubbing her breasts. Granger didn't smack him or anything. She just made these weird whimpering sounds and was saying "Oh, Severus!" I thought I was going to puke. And then it got even worse. They started pulling each others clothes off and before I knew it, Granger was naked and Professor Snape only had his trousers on. I wanted to leave right then and there but I was stuck there until someone opened the door. That's when I saw what a disgusting girl Hermione Granger is.**

**After she was naked, Granger sat in the chair and put her knees over the arms so her legs were wide open and Professor Snape could see her privates. He was kneeling in the floor in front of her and kissing her breasts and then her stomach. Then she put her hands on his greasy head and pushed it down so his face was in her privates. Then that horrible horrible girl let A PROFESSOR kiss her on all of her dirty places and she liked it. She was squirming and making strange noises, and then he put his fingers in her and she started to scream. I thought he was hurting her and I wasn't sure if that was such a bad thing, but then I saw that she was saying things like "right there" and "don't stop". She shook and cried a lot and then she was all out of breath.**

**It was really awful, but then it got even more awful. When Granger was sitting there being all red faced and out of breath, Professor Snape took off his trousers and pants and I got to see his boy parts. He was all hairy and skinny and his boy thing was red and veiny. I think it was odd too. It stuck straight up, not out like I expected. He looked at Hermione like a big perv and tugged on it a few times. When he rubbed it, he pulled the skin down at the top and it was all red and shiny underneath.**

**He told Hermione to stand up, and when she did he made her bend over the arm of the chair. He moved behind her and stuck his boy thing into her. His bottom was all white and it shook like jelly when he stuck his thing in her over and over again. The more he stuck it into her the more she squealed, and he got this stupid look on his face with his eyes closed and his mouth open. He kept making grunting noises. Then he started making noises like he was being strangled and going up on his toes. Then he made this long moaning kind of noise and jerked a few times. I think he squirted into her. The were both still and quiet for a while and then he helped her up and then kissed her on the lips with the same mouth that he used to lick her dirty parts. I was afraid I was going to vomit right on the floor.**

**Daddy warned me about dirty old men when I started my monthly. He said I wouldn't need to worry about boys my own age, but that there were pervy men who liked to do dirty deeds with school girls and that they didn't care what they looked like. He said that they picked the plain girls because the pretty girls would laugh at them. Maybe that's why Professor Snape picked Granger -- because she's plain and all the pretty girls would laugh at him if he tried to lick them on their dirty parts and stick his boy thing in them. But Granger didn't laugh, she liked it. Maybe she's what daddy calls a loose woman, or maybe she just didn't have a daddy that loved her enough to tell her about the dirty old men.**

Severus sat silently, bile rising in his throat as he stared at the rounded, juvenile handwriting on the page. He remembered every detail of the evening she recorded in her journal. The events were precisely as she described, and yet he remembered them so differently. Things changed between him and Hermione after he encouraged her to let go of her shame and gave her pleasure for the first time. She began to enjoy her body, and his. All of the curiosity and enthusiasm she displayed in the classroom, she brought to the bedroom. She bloomed before his eyes and it was the most beautiful transformation he'd ever seen.

It transformed him as well. When Hermione came to him, her eyes bright with desire, Snivellus ceased to exist. For the first time in his life, the popular, smart girl wanted him. He was the handsome one, the confident lover, the charming one. He was everything that bastard Black was, and more -- until a mousy girl, scribbling in her journal turn his world upside down, exposing his dirty secrets and shaming him.

"I hope you burn in Hades, you evil bitch!" Severus leapt to his feet and shouted in a blind rage. Miss Tilly had taken the only thing that was pure and joyful in his life and made it lewd and filthy. But he could fix that, even if it meant spending the rest of his life in Azkaban. He drew his wand and hurled a burning hex at the book, and nothing happened. His wand, once powerful, was nothing more than a useless stick in his hands. His humiliation was complete.


	10. Chapter 9: May

_Disclaimer: Everything you recognize is the property of JK Rowling. Everything you don't came from my twisted mind. I'm not making any money from this._

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_**Chapter 9 – May**

Severus sat at his desk and stared at the small, leather-bound chronicle of his inadequacies. The young woman, whose essence filled its pages, played a pivotal role in his life for months, and he never knew. He never saw her, yet she saw him so clearly. He fancied himself a lover – a man with a brooding, unconventional attractiveness. A man whose abrasive exterior camouflaged a keen intellect and a courageous spirit. But she saw him for what he was – a deeply horrible person whom no woman in her right mind would ever find attractive.

_No woman in her right mind…_

Hermione found him attractive. Hermione loved him. She didn't see a scrawny, petty tyrant with greasy hair and bad teeth. She saw the man he imagined himself to be. Was she deluded, or was Hyacinth Tilly?

Severus was loath to read any more of the diary, but he was compelled to open the book and immerse himself in Miss Tilly's world once again. He was no longer looking for absolution in its pages – clearly the book could never be made public. He was looking for a different kind of salvation. He read to assure himself that, despite all evidence to the contrary, Hermione saw the man he truly was and that Miss Tilly was indeed insane.

**May 24th**

**I don't want to go back to the dungeons again but Annie is making me. She says that Harry will never believe us in a hundred million years if we tell him what Hermione let Professor Snape do to her. She says that we're running out of time and that we need proof that Hermione Granger is a wicked, wicked girl who is telling his secrets to Professor Snape.**

**She doesn't make me watch them every night. Annie says that we have to "be smart about this" and "pick our spots". She told me not to get any ideas about not listening to her either, because the charm will only work with her help. I don't know why she thinks I'd do that. If it were up to me, I'd never go down to the dungeons again, but Harry needs me to look out for him, so I listen to Annie.**

**Professor Snape was very tired looking in class today and very mean to Harry --even meaner than usual. He was mean to Ron too. Annie said that that means tonight is a good night to watch them again.**

**I don't want to watch Hermione and Professor Snape do those dirty things again. I really don't. It makes me feel queasy in my stomach and I'm not sure that I like being invisible. What if the spell wears off while I'm down there? I asked Annie why we couldn't go to Professor Dumbledore and tell him about the dirty things that Granger and Professor Snape are doing in the dungeons. He would make them leave school and Harry would be safe. Annie said we couldn't because no one, not even Professor Dumbledore would believe us without proof. She said we would have to tell Professor Dumbledore how we know and then we would be in trouble. I don't see how, really. Spying isn't bad if you're spying on bad people who are going to hurt your boyfriend. I wish Bella was talking to me. She would know what to do. But she's gone and Annie is very bossy now. Mary and Suzy just agree with everything Annie says, so now I'm on my way to the owlery to get ready to go to the dungeons again. I hope I don't puke.**

_Right on all counts, Miss Tilly. Harry wouldn't have believed you, Dumbledore wouldn't lose his spy unless he had to, and yes, you would have been in trouble._

Aside from her imaginary friends and her imaginary relationship with Potter, her assessment of the reality of the situation she – they—were in, was dead on. Severus took no comfort in that. The date – May 24th, the day before Miss Tilly died – the night…

_Dear God, she knew everything._

**April 25th**

**I love the hour before dinner. From the owlery I can see the other students scurrying around the grounds like little mice – so carefree and stupidly unaware of what's going on around them. I imagine what it would be like to be an owl and swoop down and snatch one of them up in my talons. They'd squeal and struggle while I squeezed the life out of them. I would squeeze harder and then they'd be still. The owlery is quiet before dinner. The owls are still asleep and very few people come up to post letters. My friends and I used to meet at this time to plan and dream, but now it's just me. I've never been alone before, and I rather like it. The other voices are silent now and I can use this quiet time to think, and to decide.**

**The others, they hindered me. Bella, with her constant objections, she tried to prevent me from doing what was necessary to protect Harry. She said that learning Mr. Ely's secret was wrong, but she didn't understand. Nothing done to protect Harry could ever be wrong. She tried to stop me from stealing the potion Mr. Ely brewed in his back room, so I silenced her. Now, at last, she's a good friend. She doesn't nag and she doesn't tell secrets. Bella holds all my secrets now.**

**Suzy and Mary didn't stand in my way, but their constant chatter was distracting. I can hardly be expected to care about fashion and grooming when Harry is in mortal danger. They served no purpose, so I silenced them as well. One voice remained, but she was weak. She was so terrified by what we saw in the dungeons last night that she was going to leave the school and go to the Ministry and tell them everything. The Ministry would ask questions about my relationship with Harry and how I managed to become invisible. I couldn't permit that, so I silenced her.**

**Now I'm alone. The voices are quiet and I can think, and I do need to think very carefully about what to do next. You see, our surly potions master is a Death Eater --no doubt gathering secrets about Harry to pass on to You Know Who. I know this because last night, while we watched, his Dark Mark began to burn when he and Hermione were rutting like barnyard animals. Snape jumped for his master as if set on fire, and while he put on his Death Eater's robes, Hermione complained about him having to leave and cursed Dumbledore for sending him. Dumbledore – the only wizard You-Know-Who ever feared. Bah. I don't know if Hermione is complicit in his plans or a witless dupe. It doesn't matter; either way, she's a danger to Harry and must be dealt with, along with Snape and Dumbledore, and anyone else who is in league with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.**

**A good girlfriend does whatever it takes to protect her boyfriend.**

**The question is how to deal with them? I only have two doses of the potion left, so I have to carefully plan how I go about this. Silencing them in Snape's chambers while they're naked has a certain appeal. Can you imagine the Prophet? 'Death Eater Professor and Hogwarts Head Girl, Found Together Naked and Dead'. It would serve them right, but unfortunately it's impossible. A password isn't enough to open Snape's door; it has to recognize your touch. I'm not sure I could get out and I have no wish to be included in that Prophet headline. I think the best time to approach them would be after hours, when they're doing rounds. They're both out in the open and there aren't any people around to witness my work.**

**Now that I know when I'm going to deal with them, I have to decide how. Magic is out of the question. You can be sure that the Aurors will check every wand when they find three people silenced. I could slip away, but Harry doesn't understand that Snape, Hermione and Dumbledore are dangerous. He would think that I've gone mad and I can't have that. There is another way. Perhaps I could silence Harry's enemies the same way I dealt the rabbits that I fed to Daddy's owls. Yes, that would do nicely – come up from behind and silence them with one quick stroke across the neck. Nearly Headless Hermione. I like that.**

**So that's my plan. Just like an owl, I'll descend on them at night, unheard and unseen. I'll take the potion after dinner, and instead of going to Gryffindor tower at curfew I'll head to the dungeons. I won't activate the potion until I hear them opening the door. I'll need all the time I can get if I'm going to deal with all three of them. I'll follow Snape and Granger until they go their separate ways and then I'll silence Granger. Then I'll find Snape and silence him. And then, if there's enough time, I'll wait over Snape and when Dumbledore comes, I'll silence him too.**

**There's so much more I'd like to write, but dinner is in twenty minutes and I have to sharpen my talon.**

_Annie?_

It chilled Severus to the bone to bear witness to the planning of his own death, and that of his lover and his mentor. If he and Hermione hadn't left his chambers early that night, her plan might have succeeded. He and Hermione had just parted ways on the second floor when he heard Hermione scream. She must have encountered Miss Tilly, or Annie as it turned out, before she activated the potion. If they hadn't left early…if he hadn't been nearby when Hermione screamed… for all his cleverness and training, their lives were saved by happenstance. Life was funny that way sometimes.

He turned the page and saw that there was nothing more. How could there be? He'd killed her only a few hours later. After reading her final journal entry, he was sure of one thing; he did not kill Hyacinth Tilly. Hyacinth Tilly died the previous night, after seeing Hermione and him 'rut like barnyard animals', and after seeing his Dark Mark flare to life. He killed a monster, an abomination born of…

_Born of what?_

At that moment, Severus realized that he had, in fact, killed Hyacinth Tilly. He didn't do it intentionally, and he didn't do it alone, but his actions caused her death just as surely as if he had cast an Avada Kedavra. She was alone, and no one saw her. She was tormented, and no one stood up for her. He was the final straw. She witnessed the inappropriate choices he made in his life, from taking the Dark Mark to taking a student for a lover, and it drove her over the edge. He was not guilty of her murder, but far from blameless. He pressed the book between the palms of his hands and waited for justice to stumble through his door.

There was nothing he could do to save himself, but he could spare Hermione. He lacked the power to destroy the book that exposed them, but he could conceal from the Aurors who would soon arrive. He thought it fitting that Miss Tilly's diary would share a shelf with some of the darkest texts known to wizarding kind. By the time anyone discovered his library, if indeed they ever did, the scandal would be long forgotten and Hermione would be safe.

An odd feeling that he was not alone came upon Severus when he entered his classroom, on his way to his private laboratory. He stood stock still and tried to locate the source of his uneasiness, but found nothing. He brushed it off as the paranoia of a condemned man and started to move when he heard a sound – a very light, very insistent tapping on his classroom door. It couldn't have been Hermione or Tonks; they would have let themselves in. Curious, Severus opened the door and saw no one. Just as he was ready to close it, it pushed further open of its own volition.

"About bloody time you opened the door, Severus." Lupin's voice was soon joined by the rest of him when he threw off the invisibility cloak.

"You should have been here an hour ago," said Severus, motioning for Lupin to join him in his study.

"I **was** here. Getting to your chambers was the difficulty. Your floo is closed, the castle is crawling with Aurors, so I had to find Harry and borrow his cloak. You try finding an eighteen year old boy and a sunny afternoon in May!" Remus settled heavily into one of Severus's comfortable chairs and sighed. "I'm afraid I don't have much information for you. Ely won't let me in his store at all, so I sent Rosemary to do her thing. He told her that he gives the owls a potion that doesn't do anything until –"

"You cast a disillusionment spell. I know," Severus intoned wearily, taking a seat next to Lupin. He selected a cigar from the humidor on the table, and with a practiced hand, he expertly trimmed it and drew his wand to light it. When the wand failed to perform, he began to laugh madly. Remus gaped at him.

"I fail to see the humor in any of this," he snapped, while at the same time offering Snape a light from his own wand. "And this is hardly the time for a good smoke. How did you know it was a potion?"

"This is exactly the time for a smoke," Severus snorted. He finally remembered his manners and offered Remus a cigar, which he declined. "I knew about the potion because our poor little victim wrote all about it in her journal. He tossed the book on Lupin's lap. "Tell me Lupin, how did you kill that owl during the Easter hols?"

Remus let out an exasperated breath, quite convinced that Severus had finally snapped. "I don't see how my accidentally hexing an owl to death –oh. I see." He drew another deep breath and told his tale. "You have to understand; the baby was teething and screaming all day. None of the usual remedies were giving her any relief. She was agitating the owls, the owls were upsetting her. I finally got Annabelle to sleep and the owls started up again. I know Ely warned me not to use any magic, but at the moment I was a bit desperate and at the end of my rope. I cast a calming spell on the owls."

"And that killed them?"

"No, it calmed them…right into a coma. One of them survived. The other died that night." Remus shook his head regretfully. "Ely was furious. It was an accident, Severus. Does the information help you?"

"I understand why the potion is illegal and not used often." Severus took several leisurely puffs of his cigar and explained. "It appears that the invisibility potion works by amplifying the effect of charms. A disillusionment charm renders a person invisible, a calming spell puts an owl in a coma, and a Petrificus Totalus caused," he picked up Miss Tilly's autopsy report and quoted from it, "a sudden and complete failure of every system in her body. Do you see, Lupin? A Petrificus Totalus paralyzes your skeletal musculature, but with the potion, it paralyzed everything – heart, lungs, even her central nervous system. Entirely too risky for human use."

"And she says she took this potion in her diary?" Lupin shook his head and thumbed through the pages of the book. "I wonder why she took such a monumental chance with her life? In any event, the book exonerates you. Have you notified the Aurors?"

"No, I haven't, and I'm not going to."

"Have you gone mad?" Lupin was gaping at Severus once again. He could see that Severus was very serious, and answered his own question. The man was clearly not in his right mind. He slipped the diary into the breast pocket of his robes, and spoke plainly. "If you won't turn it over to save yourself, I'll do it for you. I'm not going to stand by and watch you kill yourself."

"Settle down, Lupin. If you think I'm doing this out of some misplaced sense of responsibility, you don't know me well." He'd expected Lupin to react this way. "Before you run off to save me from myself, read the last diary entry."

Remus looked at him curiously and flipped through the pages at the back of the journal until he can to one with writing. He read for a moment and then looked up at Severus with a disbelieving expression, before returning to his reading. When he finished, he closed the book and took several deep breaths before speaking. "I see."

They sat in silence for several minutes, both of them staring off at nothing. Finally, Lupin asked the question. "Why?"

Severus looked at him fiercely, and hissed, "How can you even ask me that? I would think you, of all people would understand."

"She's seventeen years old!"

"She's eighteen."

"She's your student!"

"So what?" Severus snarled. "Do you think that you're the only person who gets to break the rules to be happy?"

"It's hardly the same thing, Severus," Remus spat out in a disgusted tone. "The laws I broke were unjust. There are good reasons why grown men aren't permitted to fuck children!" His head snapped back against the chair when Severus's fist made solid contact with his jaw.

"She's **not** a child, and I don't _fuck_ her." Severus's anger abated somewhat when he admitted quietly, "I love her."

Remus moved his jaw from side to side, and decided that it wasn't broken. He rubbed his forehead as if trying to stave off a tremendous headache and chose his words carefully. "No, Severus, you don't." In response, Severus arched his eyebrow dangerously, but Remus continued anyway. "If you loved her you wouldn't have risked her reputation, the honors she's earned, and as it turns out, her life. You wouldn't have taken advantage of her innocence. Tell me, was she a virgin when you talked her into your bed?" Remus waved off any reply Severus might have made. "Don't answer that; I don't want to know.

"Love isn't something you feel, Severus; it's something you do. You put another person's welfare first, everyday, even when you don't particularly feel like it. You're her professor, you're old enough to be her father, and you're a spy. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what Voldemort will do to her if he ever discovers your little ruse. Don't you think she's enough of a target already? If you loved her, you would have waited until she was out of school and until after this bloody war is over."

At that moment, Severus hated Remus Lupin more than he had hated anyone in his entire life. He could find no flaw in Lupin's argument. He hated Lupin because he knew he was right. "I'm willing to go to Azkaban to protect her. I'd say that meets your criteria."

"Yes, I would say it does," Remus admitted. "But it's too large a sacrifice. Your liberty is worth more than Hermione's academic honors. Her reputation will survive the hit. You should turn the book over to the Aurors and clear your name. I'm sure Hermione would agree. We'll find a way to protect her."

"Perhaps you missed the part where Miss Tilly states that I answered the Dark Lord's call at Dumbledore's request. If I turn over the diary, my spying would be a matter of public record. It would not bode well for the Order if the Dark Lord found out that Dumbledore is aware of his plans."

"You're right." Remus blew a heavy breath through his lips in frustration. "Isn't there any way to prove your innocence without the diary? Can't you say that you remembered the potion?"

Severus shook his head. "They'd only say I gave it to her. How do I prove she took it herself without the diary?"

"True." Remus read the last entry again. "It says here that she had two doses left. If she took one, and then died, there should still be one more dose in her possession. That should be sufficient proof," Remus offered hopefully.

"The Aurors have been through her dormitory, her possessions, and the owlery with a fine toothed comb. If they haven't found it by now, they never will. Face it, Lupin, I'm fucked."

"Did they interview this Bella girl, who knows all her secrets?"

Severus froze and stared at Lupin. "Say that again."

Remus repeated himself slowly, not sure which words were the important ones. The life came back to Severus's eyes and he snatched the book from Lupin's hands to confirm his thought. "Not **knows**, **holds**. Bella **holds** all of her secrets. I know where the last dose is, Lupin. It's in Bella."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I'm not following. You're saying that the potion is _in_ her friend?"

"Yes. No." Severus quickly explained, "Bella isn't a person; she's a doll. Miss Tilly made four of them out of socks. Tonks has them now. Bella is the ugly one. The potion is hidden inside Bella; I'm sure of it."

Remus was on his feet almost instantly. "Tonks has the dolls, and the potion is in the ugly one," he carefully clarified. "I'll take care of it." In the blink of an eye, Remus had disappeared under his invisibility cloak and slipped out the door.

The door clicked shut and Severus settled heavily in his chair. After a few moments, he lost interest in his cigar and he stubbed in out in his ashtray. He tried to read. He tried to sleep. Finally, he gave up trying to distract himself and simply waited. The next two hours passed more slowly than the entire previous day. He thought about Hermione and the happiness they'd found together. He thought about what Lupin said. He thought about Dumbledore, and he thought about his role as a spy for the Order. He was thinking about the only Patronus he'd ever cast when the knock on his door finally came. He was surprised to find himself rooted on the spot. The knock came again and he moved to answer.

"Albus, come in." Severus braced himself for the worst. "I take it that a decision has been made?"

"Yes, yes." Albus entered Severus's private chambers and brightened. "Ah, cigars! May I?" Without waiting for an answer, Albus chose a cigar from the humidor, then trimmed and lit it. He took a few puffs and his face turned an alarming shade of red.

_Just what I need, a second body on my hands._ Severus quickly produced a glass of water for the headmaster and took the cigar from him. "You mentioned a decision?"

"I see cigars haven't changed since I tried one as a student," said Albus, his voice still slightly wheezy. "They made me quite ill; the school healer seemed to think it served me right." Severus cleared his throat, prompting Albus back on topic. "Yes, now for the decision. You've been cleared of all charges. It's very fortunate that Remus Lupin happened to drop by Hogwarts today. He volunteered his special talents to the investigation, and located a dangerous potion hidden among Miss Tilly's possessions. He found it inside one of her dolls. No one else had thought to look there. Remus always was a clever boy. The Aurors tested the potion and are now satisfied that you have not engaged in any _wrong doing_."

The emphasis Albus placed on his final words dampened any sense of relief Severus felt when he heard the news. In many ways, he dreaded answering to Albus more than answering to the Aurors.

"Tell me, Severus. Did you learn anything from the book I asked you to examine?"

Severus considered his answer carefully. "Yes sir, I did. I'll…deal with any harmful effects it might have caused. You needn't be concerned."

"Very good," said Albus. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see to Miss Tilly's final arrangements. Her father seems to be otherwise occupied. It's tragic when adults don't fulfill their responsibilities where young people are concerned. Wouldn't you agree Severus?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then all is as it should be." Albus smiled knowingly and took his leave of Severus.

* * *

_Special thanks to WendyNat for her superb beta work. Mwah. :) Just an epilog and then we're done!_


	11. Chapter 10: June

**Chapter 10: June**

The potions classroom was silent except for the sound of Severus's quill scratching on a roll of parchment and the relentless ticking of the clock on the wall. He thought she would have arrived by now. Hermione's last NEWT ended nearly a half an hour ago – more than enough time for her to engage Flitwick in her usual post-examination repartee and then make her way from the great hall to the dungeons. His brow furrowed and he grudgingly admitted to himself that he was disappointed that she wasn't more anxious to see him. Nearly two weeks had passed since they'd spent any real time alone together, after all.

They'd spoken once since he was cleared of any wrong doing in the death of Hyacinth Tilly. It was a brief conversation in which he informed her that they hadn't been as discreet as they thought they were. He didn't know why he was surprised when, in typical Hermione fashion, she set her hands on her hips and informed him that she was astonished that he thought they'd been discreet at all. If the nightly private tutoring sessions weren't enough to set the tongues of the student body wagging, she reasoned, they were certainly enough to raise a few eyebrows among the staff. She was the one who quite correctly suggested that they curtail their visits until after she completed her NEWTs. This was a considerable relief to Severus, who was dreading making the same suggestion.

His quill tapped on the parchment in time with the ticking clock and he thought about what he would say when she arrived. Indeed, he thought of little else since they last spoke.

_Good afternoon, Miss Granger. Please take a seat._

_Hello, Hermione. How are you? We need to talk._

_My beautiful Hermione, I've missed you. Don't ever leave me. _

Before he had a chance to contemplate the wordless greetings that lovers shared, the hinges on his classroom door creaked and she was there. It was immediately apparent how she spent the last half hour. Her normally bushy hair fell in soft waves around her shoulders, and instead of her school uniform, she wore fetching casual robes. On closer inspection, he could see that she was wearing cosmetics. All the artifices of a woman. It wasn't her, and it made him vaguely uneasy that she felt the need to adopt the trappings of an older woman. Of the two of them, she wasn't the one who needed to change.

"You've changed your appearance," Severus stated plainly. It was hardly the greeting he'd planned.

"Good afternoon to you too," said Hermione, pulling a chair up next to his and tossing a folder onto his desk. "It's just a little Sleekeasy's and some lip gloss. I'm not a student anymore, so I thought it was time to project a more mature image. What do you think?"

"My opinion isn't the important one." He sighed quietly and got down to business. "Hermione, we need to talk."

"Yes, I know," Hermione said matter-of-factly, opening the folder on the desk. "Remus came to speak to me right after he found the potion that cleared your name. He's a dear man, but he can be so tedious when he's 'frankly astonished'. However, he made some very sensible observations."

_Lupin._ Severus wasn't sure if he should hex the werewolf within and inch of his life for his judgmental interference, or if he should send him a bottle of his best scotch for broaching the topic with Hermione. Perhaps he would offer him the scotch and then hex him. Yes, that would work. "What did Lupin say?"

"He simply pointed out that it wouldn't sit well with Voldemort if one of his Death Eaters had a public romance with a close friend of Harry Potter's. Naturally, he's right. I don't know why I didn't see it myself. In any event, I've taken the liberty of drawing up a list of safe places for us to meet. There's headquarters. Of course, that means you'll have to stay longer than it takes to give your report. And then there's a tunnel from the castle to Hogsmeade that almost no one knows about --"

"Hermione, stop," Severus interrupted. She clicked her mouth shut and looked at him curiously. "Do you honestly expect that Lupin or Molly Weasley is going to cheerfully accept us retiring to a private room after we've helped clear the dinner dishes? And I know about the tunnel to Hogsmeade. It's dark, it's dirty, and not nearly the secret you think it is. Hermione, you deserve better."

"We both deserve better, but we have to make the best of the options available to us," said Hermione, not at all happy with Severus's tone. "I'm not particularly fond of the tunnel either. It was just an idea." She scanned her list. The rest of the possibilities weren't any more appealing, and some of them were considerably worse. "There's nothing else for it, Severus. The members of the Order are just going to have to accept that we're both adults and that we have the right to our own lives. If you made more of an effort, they might get to know you the way I do and they wouldn't make things so difficult for us."

Severus folded his hands and sat silently for several moments. The moment he'd been dreading had finally arrived. "Hermione, they do know me, and that is precisely why they object to our relationship. I understand their objections." He turned his chair so he was facing her, lifted her chin, and looked into her eyes. "Hermione, what do you think happens when I answer the Dark Lord's call?"

"You put your life on the line and risk unbearable torture to gather information for the Order." Hermione stated what she believed was perfectly obvious.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for not answering the question." Severus retreated into the safety of his role as an austere professor. "You're the brightest witch in a century. Do you honestly believe that the Dark Lord calls me simply as an observer? Think, Miss Granger. What do you think I do when he calls me?"

"I – I don't know," Hermione stammered. Her jaw quivered at his abrupt change in tone.

"Of course you know. You simply refuse to think about it." Tears welled up in her eyes and he was tempted to gather her in his arms, then Lupin's words haunted him. _When you love someone, you put their needs first, even when you don't particularly feel like it._ "Consider all of the information, Miss Granger. I'm a potions master. I teach at Hogwarts and I'm a Death Eater. What purpose would I serve for the Dark Lord?"

"You brew potions for him?" Hermione was keenly aware that her answer sounded quite stupid, but she couldn't bring herself to approach the question with her usual objectivity.

"Not just brew, girl. I invent potions for him -- potions to make him stronger, potions to torture his enemies, horrible potions for nothing more than his entertainment." He stood up, crossed his arms, and loomed over her. It was an old trick he used to make her feel small. "How do you think these potions are tested, Miss Granger?"

"I don't know!"

"Ten points from Gryffindor. Answer the question, Miss Granger."

"On -- on Muggles," she answered quietly.

"Correct, Miss Granger. Twenty points to Gryffindor." He circled behind her. "But that's not all I do. Can you guess what other purpose I serve? I'll give you a clue. I hate teaching. I could earn ten times what I'm making teaching, working in a private apothocary, and yet I'm here. Why?"

"Because of Professor Dumbledore," she answered, more confidently.

"To gather information about Dumbledore, and Potter, and you, and Weasley to report to the Dark Lord. It's a tricky thing, knowing how much to tell and how much to withhold. My eyes aren't the only ones he has here."

"You do what you have to do!" Hermione protested, her jaw was set defiantly. "We all do. You have the hardest job of all of us. You have to face the evil everyday and do terrible things to help defeat it. That doesn't make you evil; it makes you brave and honorable."

Severus laughed, a mocking, barking laugh. "Honorable? Do you know me at all? I knew more dark magic when I was ten years old than most people learn in their entire lives. I don't like Harry Potter. I hated his father, and his _marauders_." His voice dripped with contempt. "I laughed when Sirius Black died."

"You didn't. You couldn't have," Hermione gasped.

"I assure you, I did. Shall I get my pensieve?"

"But you – and Remus – you're friends. You saved his life." Hermione grasped at straws.

"We tolerate each other, and I was the one who put his life in danger. Intentionally, I might add."

"Why, Severus?" Her tears flowed freely down her cheeks.

"Because that's who I am, Hermione, not this romanticized tragic hero that you've created. I am a nasty piece of work. I'm sadistic, and spiteful, and I hold grudges. I'm trapped in a life I hate until the Dark Lord dies and Albus Dumbledore chooses to release me. I am _not_ a boyfriend."

_Until the day I'm free to be the man I see when I look in your eyes._

Severus felt the bile rising in his throat. "Good day, Miss Granger."

He turned on his heel, his robes billowing behind him, and retreated to his private chambers, where he vomited until his ribs ached. As he lay on the cold tile, he vowed to kill Remus Lupin if he ever again suggested that he didn't love Hermione Granger.

**_Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
Seventh Year Memories  
of  
Hermione Jane Granger_**

**June 14th**

**Tomorrow morning I'll board the Hogwarts Express for the last time, so this will be the final entry in my student journals. I've purchased a new journal for my life after school and I'm sorry to say that Severus Snape will not be in it. I understand his reasons for ending our relationship much better now than I did last week when he dismissed me from his life, but I'm still quite angry with him. He was the one who suggested the private tutoring sessions. He was the one who kissed me. He initiated our sexual relationship, and he was the one who insisted that I wear street clothes under my school robes. Now he tells me that we weren't discreet, as if that's my doing, and that we can't possibly continue our relationship because he's an insufferable bastard. As if that's news. He closed his door on me without so much as a backwards glance and hasn't spoken or even looked at me since. It's as if everything that we did since December never happened for him. Bastard.**

**I spent a lot of time alone in the astronomy tower after Severus and I had our talk. I couldn't very well walk around with puffy eyes and a red nose from crying. People (Harry and Ron especially) would want to know why I was upset and of course I couldn't tell them. Remus showed up out of the blue on my second day up in the tower. He said he was visiting Albus and came up for the view, but that seemed a bit contrived to me. He asked me how I was doing and the next thing I knew I was crying on his shoulder and calling Severus every foul name I could think of. It was alright for me to tell Remus. He already knew about Severus and me, so it wasn't like I was spilling any secrets. **

**Remus agreed that Severus was a nasty piece of work, but said that he was a nasty piece of work who had my best interests at heart. I thought that was a rather nervy thing for him to say. I'm not a child. I'm nineteen years old and I haven't exactly been sheltered. I made it clear to Remus that I was old enough to decide for myself what was and what was not in my best interest. He put his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me in that way that older people do when they think you're being stupid, and said he remembered how difficult it was to be between playthings and firewhiskey. **

**Before he left, Remus told me how much he regretted missing most of the week before the Leaving Ceremony because it was the last time his class was together before going off into an uncertain future. I knew what he was trying to say, and he was absolutely right. I was missing something very special by spending my time sulking in the astronomy tower. Remus is a dear man, but it certainly takes him a long time to get to the good advice. He's very much like Professor Dumbledore in that way.**

**The next four days were a blur. Everyone around me was celebrating getting out of school – more than a few of them celebrating getting away from Severus – and all I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were. I cheered up a bit when I received an entirely unexpected owl from Grover Hipworth, a potions master with an excellent reputation. I applied for an apprenticeship with him in the fall but lost out to a student from Beauxbatons. In his owl, Mr. Hipworth informed me that he decided to take on two apprentices and offered me the second position. I was stunned to say the very least. It's unheard of for a man of his stature to take on two apprentices. Naturally, I accepted immediately. Gap years are over-rated anyway. **

**By the time of the Leaving Ceremony, I was far from fine, but I was functioning, which is more than I can say for Severus. He never looked at me, but I watched him push the food around his plate all night. He looked as if he hadn't slept in a week. Even Harry commented that he looked in a bad way. Of course, he and Ron were convinced it was because Slytherin placed third in the standings for the House Cup. Why would this year be different than any other year? Honestly, men can be so blind sometimes. **

**As much as I disagree with Severus's decision to end our relationship, I still love him. I know it should disturb me to see him in so much pain, but it doesn't. Perhaps this makes me an awful person, but I get some degree of comfort from knowing that Severus misses me that much. Despite everything that's happened, I still love him and I know he loves me. There's nothing else to do but wait for this war to end. Until that happens, I won't tell our secrets or nag to see him. You don't do that to someone you love.**

_The End_


End file.
